If you’re a fan of the Hellboy movies or good cinema, I have bad news for you, the new Hellboy movie has opened and it’s shit.

Really shit.

I contemplated sugar coating the news, to ease you into this one, but as I’ve just spent the past two hours sat in the cinema watching this dross I felt like I should warn you as soon as possible.

For all I know, you could be about to book tickets to see it this weekend. Well, don’t!

I’ve just saved you a waste of two hours of your life, plus a chunk of change. You can thank me later.

OK, well there’s nothing else to talk about here – time to move on I guess.

How are you? Have you watched the new Star Wars trailer yet?

Oh… you came him to read my thoughts on Hellboy. I see.

Right, let’s do this then.

*Cracks knuckles*

In 2004, Columbia Pictures released Hellboy. The movie – directed by Guillermo del Toro – starred Ron Perlman and was a pretty cool comic book flick.

In 2008, both del Toro and Perlman returned for a sequel – Hellboy II: The Golden Army. This second entry was better than the first and left the door open for a third and final film in the series.

The third film never came and instead the series was rebooted by Lionsgate, without del Toro and Perlman. This reboot is what I’ve just sat through.

Neil Marshall has taken on directing duties, David Harbour has stepped into the lead role and…

…it’s anyone’s guess who came up with the piss poor script and the atrocious effects.

Actually I do know who came up with the script – it was Boom! Studios co-founder Andrew Cosby. But surely this script can’t be the work of just one person?

Really?!

The script is practically incomprehensible. It’s as if the studio/director/a random man on the street, asked various people to jot down what they’d like to see in the movie and then the script was put together from that.

An idea here. A few lines there.

You want to see a vampire in a Hellboy movie? Sure – you can have one.

Baba Yaga? Yep – you can have that too.

How about a witch? You want a witch?

YOU WANT A WITCH?!

You got it buddy.

Do all of these ideas (and monsters) need to fit comfortably into the movie? Of course they do – but they don’t!

*Shakes head*

Hellboy jumps from scene to scene, shoehorning new ideas into the story every ten minutes just to fill in the running time. It’s a movie made for a generation that has no concentration span.

All those people that go to the cinema to talk, sit and look through their phone every few minutes (and generally piss off everyone else), are going to love Hellboy. Everyone else? Yeah, you’re going to hate it.

Hmmm… hate is a strong word. Hate would suggest this is the worst film going and it’s not.

Hellboy is just a complete snooze fest. From start to finish this film is boring.

David Harbour is poorly cast as Hellboy; the supporting cast are dull; and I have no idea what Ian McShane is doing in this movie as Hellboy’s father, Bruttenholm. Whatever he’s doing, he must have been getting paid quite well, because he pops up every ten minutes for…. REASONS.

No, I have no idea why. The patchwork script seems to suggest McShane must be on screen for every other scene (regardless of whether or not he needs to be), so there he is.

At least McShane temporarily manages to distract from the GOD DAMN AWFUL CGI.

*Calls a time out*

Yo, Hollywood, can you stop using CGI in movies unless you can pull off good effects like Marvel Studios manages. If you can’t use CGI properly then either use practical effects or don’t bother.

*Ends time out*

The effects in this movie are atrocious for a film made in 2019. We’re not talking Sharknado bad, but they should not be this shit and used so often throughout the movie.

Every time a computer generated character appeared on screen I rolled my eyes. I rolled them so much that I may now have to employ some kind of computer wizardry to fill in the gaps in my eye sockets because my own eyes have fallen out.

ARGGHHH!!!

Ten minutes into this movie I was restless. Thirty minutes in I was thinking about what I was having for tea tomorrow. An hour in and I just wanted the film to end.

In short: Hellboy is crap. Don’t waste your money.

Go see Shazam!. Go see Pet Sematary. Go do something else.

We now have three Hellboy movies. Two entries that will never get a conclusion and a new entry that is unlikely to get a sequel.

Ugh.

This whole situation reminds me of Sony’s handling of the Spider-Man films. Spider-Man 4 should have happened, but it didn’t and instead audiences had to sit through a reboot that never really went anywhere.

People had patience and enough goodwill for Spidey. I don’t think Hellboy will be given the same pass.

Hellboy is a popular character and a popular comic. Not Batman level popular, but popular nonetheless. My understanding is that people who like Hellboy, liked the first two movies and basically wanted a third film to complete the story.

This new movie won’t appease the fans who wanted Perlman back and I really can’t see it winning over any newcomers. This is clearly the beginning and the end of this reboot.

What a waste of time and money.

*Shakes head*