Just when you thought it was safe to scroll through Amazon Prime Video, comes a movie so crap you’ll be intrigued by its premise, but will instantly regret giving it your time. The movie is Dinosaur Hotel 3 – a creature-feature sequel about a hotel with dinosaurs!
In the movie, a group of strangers wake up in a hotel lobby after being knocked out and kidnapped. Unsure of where they are, or who kidnapped them, the group attempt to escape.
However, within minutes the group are greeted by three masked strangers, who inform them they are here to play a deadly game. If they survive the game they will be given $1 million to turn their lives around.
If anyone in the group decides not to play the game they are free to leave, but they will be instantly eaten by a T-Rex. However, should they decide to stay and play, they will have to contented with velociraptors which stalk the grounds.
Written, directed and edited by Ben J. Williams (a real person, not an A.I. program), Dinosaur Hotel 3 stars Gaston Alexander, Alexandra DeCaluwe, Karl Hughes, and Olivia Frances Brown. The film is the third(!!!) entry in the Dinosaur Hotel movie series, and I swear down this is a real film.
Dinosaur Hotel 3 is not a figment of the imagination, nor is it something brought on by a fever dream. Somehow, this movie series has spawned a third entry following on from 2021’s Dinosaur Hotel and 2022’s Dinosaur Hotel 2, and yes, after that rubbish this latest entry is just as shit as you might expect.
How shit? Effin’ terrible!
The story in Dinosaur Hotel 3 doesn’t make any sense, the computer-generated dinosaurs look dreadful (and there aren’t many of them), and no one in the film – NOT A SINGLE PERSON – can act! This is am-dram stuff and that’s being kind.
Although to be fair to all of the actors in this shit-flick, they have such a woeful script to work with, I expect they are doing the best they can under the circumstances. As the saying goes, you can’t polish a turd, and this is especially true when your movie is so cheap you can’t even afford polish!
Outside of the piss-poor acting, Dinosaur Hotel 3 lacks tension, suspense, drama, creativity, and flare. It looks as if it was filmed over the course of an evening, when no one had anything better to do, and completed on a budget of £250, which presumably included venue hire.
And speaking of the venue, the most annoying aspect of Dinosaur Hotel 3 is the fact it doesn’t appear to have been filmed in an actual hotel! A stately home, yes, but this isn’t a hotel – and certainly not one fun enough for such a preposterous premise!
If you are going to make a film this hokey, then at least set it in a Travelodge or a Premier Inn. Give the people what they want: A brontosaurus battle over the breakfast buffet or a Tyrannosaurus tussle over a fold-out bed.
Basically, anyone watching a film called Dinosaur Hotel 3 already knows it’s going to be a bit shit, so at least do something to lean into the awfulness. Make this film so silly that people actually want to watch it, rather than something which is so crap they switch off.
If you do sit through all 74-minutes of this garbage, congratulations, you (like me) are now 74-minutes closer to death. In many respects, those precious 74-minutes went by in the blink of an eye, and yet they felt so slow and painful, didn’t they?
Ah, well, you have no one to blame but yourself for sticking with it. Although, you should probably blame anyone involved with financing this utter dross, as they are the real time wasters here.
If you haven’t already watched Dinosaur Hotel 3, then don’t! The movie is dire and like the dinos themselves, should be extinct.
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