It’s time for Eurovision 2018.

I’m live blogging throughout the show (you may need to refresh from time-to-time).

This could be epic. It could be insane. It will be Eurovision!

8:02pm – It begins!

8:04pm – The wine is poured. Extra wine is on hand. I might need it.

8:06pm – The drum beats were hypnotic. I almost fell asleep.

8:08pm – A lovely set of flags there. This could take a while to get going. Not sure I’m going to have enough wine for this.

8:09pm – The UK entry there – SuRie. And of course, Alexander Rybak, who is back again. He’s not representing us, sadly.

8:10pm – I mean… go, SuRie!

8:14pm – Four hosts! They could form their own band and take part. And if they’re any good, maybe they could represent the UK.

8:15pm – I mean… go, SuRie!

8:16pm – Up first, it’s Ukraine! And we’re getting a weird video with a horse. Is this an ad for Lloyds TSB?

8:18pm – Well, I don’t hate this. I mean, it’s not great. But I don’t hate this. That one contact lens is freaking me out a bit though.

8:19pm – Oh, he’s taken his coat off. He must be stopping. He’ll feel the benefit when he steps back outside.

8:20pm – That was Mélovin by the way.

8:21pm – This is Spain and Alfred and Amaia. Erm….

8:23pm – Yeah, that was nice, just not very memorable. I’d happily listen to that while sat in a bar, but I wouldn’t pick it as a winner. You watch, that will bloody win now!

8:25pm – This is Lea Sirk! Lea is representing Slovenia. I like this.

8:26pm – This is the best one so far. I feel like I should be out clubbing. If only I wasn’t so old.

8:28pm – Ieva from Lithuania, singing When We’re Old. Oh, it’s like she read my mind.

8:30pm – I like the fact that Ieva has just sat down on the stage throughout this whole performance. This is how I’d do it to. It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that… no, I’m lazy. I can’t even be bothered to finish this sente…

8:33pm – Cesar Sampson from Austria now. Is he singing a Sam Smith song? It sounds like something Sam Smith would sing.

8:34pm – Nah, this is much too upbeat for Sam Smith.

8:37pm – This is Estonia’s entry, La Forza. The singer is Elina Nechayeva. She has a hint of (a young) Michelle Visage about her. Check out that dress!

8:39pm – Yeah, I’m not feeling this at all. But how good is her dress? That dress should win this alone!

8:40pm – Norway now, with Alexander Rybak. My husband is very happy.

8:42pm – The crowd like this one. It’s possibly the dance moves.

8:44pm – Cláudia Pascoal for Portugal now. We’re up next.

8:46pm – Loving the pink hair, loving the voice, but not sold on the song. Is it gonna get going in a minute?

8:47pm – So who is this with Cláudia? Is she there for support? I’m confused. Maybe she can help speed the song up a bit.

8:51pm – Right, this is us! This is SuRie! Will SuRie be up there with the likes of Katrina and the Waves and Bucks Fizz? Or will she be slumming it with Daz Sampson and Engelbert Humperdinick? Fingers crossed.

8:52pm – Seriously, why did we ever put Engelbert Humperdinick forward? WHY?

8:53pm – You know, I think we actually stand a chance for once. It’s catchy, there’s a good beat and the audience is on board. I have high hopes.

8:54pm – WTF?! Someone just stormed the stage. But you know what, she’s carried on, she’s owning this. Come on SuRie! Come on!

8:55pm – “Are they contact lenses?” No.

8:57pm – A bit of a shame for our performance, but I think SuRie did really well there and really played into the lyrics of the song to keep going. Must be a bit gutting for her.

8:58pm – This is Sanja Ilić & Balkanika for Serbia. Loving the cape thing he has going on.

9pm – Mick Hucknall up next.

9:01pm – Sorry, this is Germany’s Michael Schulte. Michael is singing You Let Me Walk Alone. As Graham Norton just pointed out, this is very much like an Ed Sheeran song. So, if you like Ed Sheeran this is Heaven right now. For the rest of us, it’s Hell.

9:04pm – Is Ed Sheeran popular in Germany? I know that David Hasselhoff is. Is David Hasselhoff more popular than Ed Sheeran? Who would win in a fight?

9:06pm – This is Eugent Bushpepa for Albania. He has some lovely buttons on his jacket.

9:08pm – I quite like this. Is the wine kicking in or is this good? Also, WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN ED SHEERAN AND DAVID HASSELHOFF? I need to know.

9:10pm – This is Madame Monsieur for France. We’re at the half-way point of the entries. Early predictions? I think Norway will do well because Alexander Rybak is popular, but I still think we’re in with a strong chance.

9:14pm – The Czech Republic now with Mikolas Josef. Mikolas seems to be doing his best Olly Murs, via Justin Timberlake.

9:15pm – More importantly, who would win in a fight between David Hasselhoff and Olly Murs?

9:18pm – Is this Tim Minchin?

9:19pm – Of course not, it’s Rasmussen for Denmark!

9:20pm – Was that snow on stage? Did the Beast from the East just invade?

9:21pm – Time for Australia now. I’m a big fan of Neighbours, so I’ve already decided any Australian song will be awesome.

9:22pm – Well, maybe not awesome. But it’s not bad. Australia have been in this contest, what? Three years now? Maybe four? Each year the song is pretty decent.

9:24pm – No, I’m upgrading that again back to awesome. That was pretty good, right?

9:26pm – There’s some very uncomfortable interviews taking place right now. Presumably the crew are doing some stage changes, so the hosts are filling for time. Let’s hope they get a move on – I’ve only got so much time left to live.

9:28pm – I’ve lost track. Where are we now? Who won in the fight between Olly Murs and Davidhasselhoff? Did that fight ever take place, other than in my warped mind?

9:29pm – OK, so this is Finland and it’s Saara Alto – a former X Factor UK contestant. She was pretty good on X Factor, so she should be pretty good here.

9:30pm – Yep, you can tell she was on X Factor – she knows how to work a stage. If this was me, I’d still be on the floor.

9:31pm – If I keep knocking back this wine I will be on the floor. What the heck is this that I’m drinking?

9:32pm – So, we’re not performing again. Graham Norton has confirmed that we were given the choice if we wanted to perform again and SuRie declined. I think that was the right decision. We’re either going to win or we’re not.

9:34pm – This is EQUINOX for Bulgaria.

9:35pm – I think I like this. It’s insane, but I like this!

9:37pm – Up now, DoReDos for Moldova. This is supposed to be great. I’ve yet to see it…

9:38pm – This is brilliant. It should win. After the UK of course.

9:40pm – So, that’s the winner, right? It couldn’t be any more Eurovision if it tried. So it probably won’t win.

9:41pm – Benjamin Ingrosso now for Sweden. There are six more entries after this.

9:42pm – Is this Bieber? OK, so this now stands a chance. A big chance.

9:46pm – Time for a bit of metal now, with Hungary’s entry from AWS. Come on, you know you are itching for some metal to mix things up a bit.

9:47pm – I’m sure this was on the Spider-Man soundtrack album. This has a whiff of early ’00s about it. It has a whiff of something else about it too.

9:48pm – Is this actually Hungary’s act or has there been another stage invasion?

9:49pm – The crowd loved it. Maybe I just need more wine. And earplugs. And something to mop up the blood pouring from my ears.

9:50pm – Bloody hell, what’s happened to Björk?

9:51pm – Oh, this isn’t Björk. This is Israel’s entry – Netta Barzilai. It’s beyond crazy. If crazy was a town, Netta would be the mayor.

9:53pm – WINNER. Insane, but WINNER! OK, so I’ve suggested about three winners so far, but surely everyone who enters is a winner. Except Hungary. Hungary ain’t winning.

9:54pm – “Crocodile” Dundee is back out of retirement.

9:55pm – I jest. Call this “Crocodile” Dundee? This isn’t “Crocodile” Dundee. This is Waylon for the Netherlands. With his song, Outlaw in ‘Em. I’m saying nothing.

9:58pm – Ireland up now. Ryan O’Shaughnessy. This is the song that lead to China being banned from broadcasting the show. China’s loss.

9:59pm – Go, Ireland!

10:00pm – Progressive, good song, great response. *Cough* WINNER. 🙂

10:02pm – So this is Eleni Foureira for Cyprus. Just one song left after this one.

10:03pm – Check out that leotard. You don’t get leotards like that anymore. Not that I’m a leotard expert. I can’t remember the last time I saw a leotard. Not in real life anyway. Jeez, I need to put the wine glass down.

10:05pm – And finally, Tim Burton and his brother…

10:06pm – Oh, wait – this is Italy and Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro.

10:07pm – I’m not sure what they are singing. Are they just singing words out of the phone book? If they are, then they’re doing it well.

10:08pm – I have no idea what’s going on, but this has grown on me within the last minute. That’s the power of song, folks. This is how the Cha-Cha Slide became popular. Expect the unexpected.

10:10pm – The lines are now open. The next bottle of wine is open too.

10:11pm – It’s time for a recap. I have nothing to say at this point, so here’s a picture of Bucks Fizz.

Bucks Fizz

10:11pm – The skirt ripping you see above wouldn’t get past the censors nowadays.

10:15pm – So, who do we think is going to win? I think there are a few strong contenders. I’d like the UK to win (or at least be in with a chance), but I think it’ll be Australia, Ireland, Moldova, Sweden or Israel.

10:20pm – I don’t want to use the phrase ‘filler material’ now, but… well… ya know.

10:21pm – For those who have just joined this blog – Welcome! All 26 entries have now performed in the contest. Some were good, some were not. A few were just ‘meh’. The UK entry was good, but suffered from a stage invasion, which was a real shame. Of all the years someone could have invaded the stage they chose the year when we actually have a chance. Typical.

10:23pm – At present we are in the phone voting stage, better known as the 40-minute period where some truly awful filler material is forced upon us.

10:25pm – If you want to catch up on the songs you’ve missed, might I suggest you simply Google the five potential winners I’ve listed above and then just pretend you watched the rest. It’ll save you a lot of time.

10:28pm – You might want to go pour yourself a drink (or 12) now. The voting won’t start for a while. You might as well be drunk before that part starts. You should definitely be drunk for this next part – the bit where the hosts perform a comedy routine.

10:29pm – I say ‘comedy’…

10:31pm – I’ve just checked my pulse to see if I’m still alive. Unfortunately, I am.

10:33pm – I just asked for a second opinion. Yep, still alive.

10:35pm – A quick time check: There’s about an hour left, so the voting will start soon(ish). Don’t be flicking channels. I don’t care if Terminator 2: Judgement Day is on ITV. WAIT! Terminator 2 is on ITV?

10:40pm – This is last year’s winner. Remember him? I know what you’re thinking – he’s no Bucks Fizz.

10:43pm – And this was the song that won last year. You remember this though, right?

10:47pm – If you’re just checking in now to see who won Eurovision 2018 you’re a bit early. The votes haven’t been announced yet. And if you’re checking in to see if Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been saved from cancellation, then yes, yes it has. I know that’s been a pressing concern for the past 24 hours.

10:48pm – We’re currently seeing a recap of all the entries again. This will be over soon and then the results of the voting will be announced. Not long to go.

10:53pm – The voting lines are now closed.

10:54pm – This is the best bit – the part where the satellite link-up causes a delay between each country and everyone stands around looking awkward. Classic TV. Who needs Netflix when you have this?

10:57pm – Bloody hell, San Marino dragged that reveal out. And there was me thinking San Marino was a former Miami Dolphins player.

10:59pm – So… the UK is doing as well as ever then. Zero so far.

11:02pm – I would have expected us to get something. Anything.

11:03pm – We’re now the only country without a point. Bugger. The Brexit effect continues.

11:04pm – We have two points! We have two points! Latvia have given us two points.

11:06pm – We’re now up to four points, thanks to another two from Croatia.

11:07pm – Bloody hell, even Ireland didn’t give us anything. We’re done.

11:08pm – So, moving on from the UK… sigh… the country currently in the lead is Israel with 122 points.

11:16pm – Israel are still in the lead with 158 points.

11:19pm – Eddie Munster giving the points for Armenia.

11:20pm – Austria is now in the lead with 188 points.

11:22pm – I do wonder if we’ll even bother sending an entry next year. Maybe it’s time to get Bucks Fizz back out again.

11:25pm – Austria is still leading with 229 points. WHY?!?!

11:29pm – We’re now up to the final vote… but it’s not all over yet. Additional votes will be added in a moment, which could change things. It won’t change things for the UK, but it might change things for other countries actually in with a chance of winning.

11:30pm – Austria 271, Sweden 253, Israel 212 – this is the current top three.

11:32pm – Brace yourselves… the public voting is about to be announced.

11:33pm – And the winner is…

11:40pm – Netta Barzilai

Netta Barzilai.jpg

11:41pm – Israel has won Eurovision 2018 with 529 points!

11:45pm – And there you have it. The UK did terrible, but Israel did very well. Thank you for joining me tonight. I think I managed to drink myself sober. Either that or I’m now VERY VERY drunk.

11:46pm – Peace and love.