During the 1990s, animated sitcom, The Simpsons, produced arguably some of the best episodes of television. These episodes were fit to bustin’ with great characters, lots of sharp sight gags, and some of the funniest lines of dialogue ever put on screen.

Back then, The Simpsons was responsible for weekly hilarity and episodes such as Marge vs. the Monorail made the show a huge ratings winner. Marge vs. the Monorail was produced during the ‘golden era’ of the show, when fans would regularly watch and re-watch The Simpsons to soak up all the fun.

And all these years later, Marge vs. the Monorail remains a favourite instalment of The Simpsons. Fans look back on this episode fondly, and still find reasons to utter quotes from this little slice of Springfield.

So, with this in mind, I’m serving up the best quotes from Marge vs. the Monorail, to remind you why this is a fan-favourite episode. If you’ve not watched The Simpsons in a while, then simply check out the lines below for a little memory jolt.


Best quotes from The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail

Image: ©20th Century/Disney

(A whistle sounds, Homer slides down the side of the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune to ‘The Flintstones’)

Homer – “Simpson, Homer Simpson. He’s the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!”

(Homer crashes into a chestnut tree)


Mayor Quimby – “And now, I’d like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.”

Leonard Nimoy – (Referring to the monorail) “I’d say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.”

(The crowd laughs)

Mayor Quimby – “And let me say, “May the Force be with you.””

Leonard Nimoy – (Annoyed) “Do you even know who I am?”

Mayor Quimby – “I think I do. Weren’t you one of the Little Rascals?”


Marge Simpson – (Marge opens a closet in the monorail) “Homer, there’s a family of opossums in here!”

Homer – “I call the big one Bitey.”


Homer – “Donuts; is there anything they can’t do?”


Lyle Lanely – (Begins to chant rhythmically) “Well sir, there’s nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What’d I say?”

(Points at Ned Flanders)

Ned Flanders – “Monorail!”

Lyle Lanely – “What’s it called?”

Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier – “Monorail.”

Lyle Lanely – “That’s right, monorail!”

(Runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting)

Crowd – “Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.”

(Continues underneath those who speak)

Miss Hoover – “I hear those things are awfully loud.”

Lyle Lanely – (Playing the piano on stage) “It glides as softly as a cloud.”

Apu – “Is there a chance the track could bend?”

Lyle Lanely – “Not on your life, my Hindu friend.”

Barney Gumble – “What about us brain-dead slobs?”

Lyle Lanely – “You’ll be given cushy jobs.”

Grampa Simpson – “Were you sent here by the devil?”

Lyle Lanely – “No, good sir, I’m on the level.”

Chief Wiggum – “The ring came off my pudding can.”

Lyle Lanely – “Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it’s Springfield’s only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!”

Crowd – (Singing) “Monorail…”

Lyle Lanely – (Speaking) “What’s it called?”

Crowd – (Singing) “Monorail…”

Lyle Lanely – “Once again!”

Crowd – (Still singing) “Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!”



Image: ©20th Century/Disney

Montgomery Burns – (Very badly disguised with a fake moustache) “Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh… someplace far away.”

Montgomery Burns – (To himself) “Yes, that’ll do.”

Montgomery Burns – (Back to Mayor Quimby) “Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.”

Waylon Smithers – “I like the way Snrub thinks.”

(Everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope at the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape)


Homer – “Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.”

Marge – “Homer, no.”

Homer – “It’s my lifelong dream!”

Marge – “Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?”


Mayor Quimby – “All right, I’m in charge here.”

Chief Wiggum – “Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they’re dedicating a phone booth somewhere.”

Mayor Quimby – “Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.”

Chief Wiggum – “Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.”

Mayor Quimby – “You don’t scare me, that could be anyone’s ass. Now beat it! I’m calling the shots.”

Chief Wiggum – “I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!”

Mayor Quimby – “Well, we’ll just see about that! Let’s go to Town Hall!”

Chief Wiggum – “Fine! Should we take one car, or should I follow you?”


Marge – “My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.”

Mayor Quimby – “Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.”


Marge – “What if something goes wrong?”

Homer – “Pffft… what if. What if I’m taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I’d be killed!”



Image: ©20th Century/Disney

Homer – “Are we gonna die son?”

Bart – “Yeah. But at least we’ll take a lot of innocent people with us.”


Krusty the Clown – “Krusty wants out!”

(Krusty wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death)

Leonard Nimoy – (Pulls him back) “No! The world needs laughter.”


Sebastian Kobb – (Showing Marge North Haverbrook’s monorail) “This is all that’s left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.”

Marge Simpson – “Mr Kobb, what can we do?”

Sebastian Kobb – “You just better have a damn good conductor.”

(Cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door)

Homer – “Ohh, I locked my keys in there!”

(To Bart)

Homer – “Get a rock.”


Mayor Quimby – “Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.”

Homer – “Get to the money!”

Mayor Quimby – “In a moment. First, let’s review the minutes from our last meeting.”

Apu – “Get to the money!”

Rev. Lovejoy – “Get to the money!”

Grampa Simpson – “Get to the moneeey!”

Mayor Quimby – “Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2 million.”

Lisa Simpson – “Don’t you mean $3 million?”

Mayor Quimby – “…Of course. How silly of me.”


Lyle Lanely – “So in conclusion, Mono means one and rail means rail.”



Apu – “Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.”

Chief Wiggum – “Crybaby.”


Marge Simpson – “Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.”

Homer – “Like a giant billboard that says “No fat chicks”?”

Marge Simpson – “No.”


Lyle Lanely – “You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.”

(Crowd laughs)

Homer – “He heh… mule.”

Lyle Lanely – “The name’s Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest… Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Shelbyville idea.”

(Starts to walk out of the room)

Mayor Quimby – “Now wait just a minute! We’re twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we’ll vote for it!”



Image: ©20th Century/Disney

Miss Hoover – “Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I’m Miss Hoover.”

Miss Hoover – “MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!”

Miss Hoover – “Oh, you. Ho, ho!”

Lyle Lanely – “Now, I’m here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.”

(Kids raise their hands and call out “Me! Me!”)

Ralph Wiggum – “Can it outrun The Flash?”

Lyle Lanely – “You bet!”

Child in Lisa’s Class – “Can Superman outrun The Flash?”

Lyle Lanely – “Eh, sure, why not.”


Chief Wiggum – “Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I’m supposed to get a pig every month!”

Chief Wiggum – “And “two comely lasses of virtue true”.”


Snake – “Could this town be any stupider?”


Kent Brockman – (To the TV camera) “Here’s country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest day at the Betty Ford Clinic.”

Kent Brockman – “What you been up to Lurleen?”

Lurleen Lumpkin – “I spent last night in the ditch.”


Lyle Lanely – “Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?”

Lisa Simpson – “Hardly. I’d like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.”

Lyle Lanely – “Ha, ha! Young lady, that’s the most intelligent question I’ve ever been asked.”

Lisa Simpson – “Really?”

Lyle Lanely – “Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who’d understand it would be you and me – and that includes your teacher!”

(Lisa giggles, flattered)

Lyle Lanely – “Next question – you there, eating the paste.”



And finally…

Image: ©20th Century/Disney

Marge – “Homer, there’s a man here who thinks he can help you.”

Homer – “Batman?”

Marge – “No, he’s a scientist.”

Homer – “Batman’s a scientist.”

Marge – “It’s not Batman.”


Thank you for stopping by It’s A Stampede! to read this post about the best Simpsons quotes. For more posts, be sure to check out the recommended reads below.