In 1979, Monty Python’s Life of Brian arrived in cinemas. The movie, directed by Terry Jones, was deemed controversial upon release, due to its themes of religious satire, but was a box office success nonetheless.

Over the years, Monty Python’s Life of Brian has continued to build up a following, with audiences drawn to the movie due to its many, many gags. It is also known for delivering some superb pieces of dialogue, many of which have become very quotable.

In this post, I am taking a look at the best quotes from Monty Python’s Life of Brian. These are the greatest lines from the film, which demonstrate how funny this movie truly is.



The best Monty Python’s Life of Brian movie quotes

Image: ©Warner Bros.

Nisus Wettus – “Crucifixion?

Prisoner – “Yes.”

Nisus Wettus – “Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.”

Nisus Wettus – “Crucifixion?”

Cheeky Prisoner – “Er, no, freedom actually.”

Nisus Wettus – “What?”

Cheeky Prisoner – “Yeah, they said I hadn’t done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.”

Nisus Wettus – “Oh I say, that’s very nice. Well, off you go then.”

Cheeky Prisoner – “No, I’m just pulling your leg, it’s crucifixion really.”

Nisus Wettus – “(Laughing) “Oh yes, very good. Well…”

Cheeky Prisoner – “Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.”


Wise Man #1 – “Ahem!”

Brian’s mother – “Oh!”

Brian’s mother – “Who are you?”

Wise Man #2 – “We are three wise men.”

Brian’s mother – “What?”

Wise Man #1 – “We are three wise men.”

Brian’s mother – “Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.”



Image: ©Warner Bros.

Reg – “All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?”


Pontius Pilate – “What’s so funny about “Biggus Dickus? “”

Centurion – “Well, it’s a joke name, sir.”

Pontius Pilate – “I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called ‘Biggus Dickus’.”


Brian – “I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!”

Girl – “Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.”

Brian – “What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!”

Followers – “He is! He is the Messiah!”



Ex-Leper – “Okay, sir, my final offer: Half a shekel for an old ex-leper?”

Brian – “Did you say “ex-leper”?”

Ex-Leper – “That’s right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.”

Brian – “Well, what happened?”

Ex-Leper – “Oh, cured, sir.”

Brian – “Cured?”

Ex-Leper – “Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!”

Brian – “Who cured you?”

Ex-Leper – “Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder.”


Gregory – “I’m Brian, and so’s my wife!”


Stan – “It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.”

Reg – “But you can’t have babies.”

Stan – “Don’t you oppress me.”



Brian – “Please, please, please listen! I’ve got one or two things to say.”

The Crowd – “Tell us! Tell us both of them!”

Brian – “Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for your selves! You’re ALL individuals!”

The Crowd – “Yes! We’re all individuals!”

Brian – “You’re all different!”

The Crowd – “Yes, we ARE all different!”

Man in crowd – “I’m not…”

The Crowd – “Shh!”


Pontius Pilate – “He wanks as high as any in Wome!”


Image: ©Warner Bros.

Brian – “What will they do to me?”

Ben the Prisoner – “Oh, you’ll probably get away with crucifixion.”


Ben the Prisoner – “Yeah, first offense.”


Wise Man #1 – “We were led by a star.”

Brian’s mother – “Led by a bottle, more like.”


The Crowd – “The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!”

Brian’s mother – “The who?”

The Crowd – “The Messiah!”

Brian’s mother – “There’s no Messiah in here. There’s a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!”



And finally…

Image: ©Warner Bros.

Brian’s mother – “He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!”



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