Released in 1975, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is often hailed as one of the funniest British comedies of all time. The film, directed by Terry Gilliam, is a laugh-out-loud romp which lampoons the legend of King Arthur and the quest for the Holy Grail, and features a cast that includes John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin.

Not only does the movie feature some great performances, as well as endless gags, it is also crammed to the rafters with great pieces of dialogue. The lines in Monty Python and the Holy Grail are pure real rib-ticklers and deserve to be revisited time-and-time again.

In this post, I am taking a look at the best lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, to shine the spotlight on the superb dialogue. So, if you feel like a laugh, keep on reading to see the whit and charm of this well-loved movie.

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The Best Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie quotes

Image: ©EMI Films

King Arthur – “I am your king.”

Woman – “Well, I didn’t vote for you.”

King Arthur – “You don’t vote for kings.”

Woman – “Well, how’d you become king then?”

King Arthur – “The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.”

Dennis – “Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”

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King Arthur – “Now stand aside, worthy adversary!”

Black Knight – “’Tis but a scratch!”

King Arthur – “A scratch? Your arm’s off!”

Black Knight – “No, it isn’t.”

King Arthur – “What’s that, then?”

Black Knight – “I’ve had worse.”

King Arthur – “You liar!”

Black Knight – “Come on, you pansy!”

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French Soldier – “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

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Image: ©EMI Films

The Witch – “I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch!”

Sir Bedevere – “But you are dressed as one!”

The Witch – “*They* dressed me up like this!”

Crowd – “We didn’t! We didn’t…”

The Witch – “And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.”

Sir Bedevere – “Well?”

Peasant 1 – “Well, we did do the nose.”

Sir Bedevere – “The nose?”

Peasant 1 – “And the hat, but she is a witch!”

Crowd – “Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!”

Sir Bedevere – “Did you dress her up like this?”

Peasant 1 – “No!”

Peasant 2 and Peasant 3 – “No!”

Peasant 3 – “No!”

Peasant 1 – “No!”

Peasant 2 and Peasant 3 – “No!”

Peasant 1 – “Yes!”

Peasant 2 – “Yes!”

Peasant 1 – “Yeah, a bit.”

Peasant 3 – “A bit!”

Peasant 1 and Peasant 2 – “A bit!”

Peasant 2 – “A bit!”

Peasant 1 – “But she has got a wart!”

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King Arthur – “Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?”

Tim – “There are some who call me… Tim.”

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Zoot – “Welcome, brave sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.”

Sir Galahad – “The Castle Anthrax?”

Zoot – “Yes… it’s not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we’ll attend to your every need.”

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King Arthur – “What does it say, Brother Maynard?”

Brother Maynard – “It reads, “Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh… “”

King Arthur – “What?”

Brother Maynard – “”The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh””

Sir Bedevere – “What is that?”

Brother Maynard – “He must have died while carving it.”

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King Arthur – “Can we come up and have a look?”

French Soldier – “Of course not. You’re English types.”

King Arthur – “What are you then?”

French Soldier – “I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?”

Sir Galahad – “What are you doing in England?”

French Soldier – “Mind your own business.”

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Image: ©EMI Films

Sir Bedevere – “There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.”

Peasant 1 – “Are there? Oh well, tell us.”

Sir Bedevere – “Tell me. What do you do with witches?”

Peasant 1 – “Burn them.”

Sir Bedevere – “And what do you burn, apart from witches?”

Peasant 1 – “More witches.”

Peasant 2 – “Wood.”

Sir Bedevere – “Good. Now, why do witches burn?”

Peasant 3 – “…because they’re made of… wood?”

Sir Bedevere – “Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?”

Peasant 1 – “Build a bridge out of her.”

Sir Bedevere – “But can you not also build bridges out of stone?”

Peasant 1 – “Oh yeah.”

Sir Bedevere – “Does wood sink in water?”

Peasant 1 – “No, no, it floats!… It floats! Throw her into the pond!”

Sir Bedevere – “No, no. What else floats in water?”

Peasant 1 – “Bread.”

Peasant 2 – “Apples.”

Peasant 3 – “Very small rocks.”

Peasant 1 – “Cider.”

Peasant 2 – “Gravy.”

Peasant 3 – “Cherries.”

Peasant 1 – “Mud.”

Peasant 2 – “Churches.”

Peasant 3 – “Lead! Lead!”

King Arthur – “A Duck.”

Sir Bedevere – “…Exactly. So, logically…”

Peasant 1 – “If she weighed the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.”

Sir Bedevere – “And therefore…”

Peasant 2 – “…A witch!”

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Knight 1 – “We are the Knights who say… NI.”

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(After Arthur has cut off both of the Black Knight’s arms)

King Arthur – “Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!”

Black Knight – “Yes I have.”

King Arthur – “Look!”

Black Knight – “It’s just a flesh wound.”

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King Arthur – “Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.”

French Soldier – “Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he will be very keen. Uh, he’s already got one, you see.”

King Arthur – “What?”

Sir Galahad – “He said they’ve already got one!”

King Arthur – “Are you sure he’s got one?”

French Soldier – “Oh yes, it’s very nice!”

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Knight of Ni – “We are now no longer the knights who say Ni. We are now the knights who say ecky ecky ecky ecky pakang zoom-poing!”

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King of Swamp Castle – “When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that’s what you’re going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.”

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King Arthur – “On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”

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King of Swamp Castle – “You only killed the bride’s father, you know.”

Sir Lancelot – “Well, I didn’t mean to.”

King of Swamp Castle – “Didn’t mean to? You put your sword right through his head.”

Sir Lancelot – “Oh dear… is he all right?”

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Black Knight – “All right, we’ll call it a draw.”

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And finally…

Image: ©EMI Films

Bridgekeeper – “Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.”

Sir Lancelot – “Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your name?”

Sir Lancelot – “My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your quest?”

Sir Lancelot – “To seek the Holy Grail.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your favourite colour?”

Sir Lancelot – “Blue.”

Bridgekeeper – “Go on. Off you go.”

Sir Lancelot – “Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.”

Sir Robin – “That’s easy.”

Bridgekeeper – “Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.”

Sir Robin – “Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your name?”

Sir Robin – “Sir Robin of Camelot.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your quest?”

Sir Robin – “To seek the Holy Grail.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is the capital of Assyria?”

Sir Robin – “I don’t know that.”

(Sir Robin is thrown over the edge into the volcano)

Sir Robin – “Auuuuuuuugh.”

Bridgekeeper – “Stop. What… is your name?”

Galahad – “Sir Galahad of Camelot.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your quest?”

Galahad – “I seek the Grail.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your favourite colour?”

Galahad – “Blue. No, yel…”

(Sir Galahad is also thrown over the edge)

Galahad – “Auuuuuuuugh.”

Bridgekeeper – “Hee hee heh. Stop. What… is your name?”

King Arthur – “It is ‘Arthur’, King of the Britons.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is your quest?”

King Arthur – “To seek the Holy Grail.”

Bridgekeeper – “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

King Arthur – “What do you mean? An African or European swallow?”

Bridgekeeper – “Huh? I… I don’t know that.”

(Bridgekeeper is thrown over)

Bridgekeeper – “Auuuuuuuugh.”

Sir Bedevere – “How do know so much about swallows?”

King Arthur – “Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.”

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Thank you for stopping by It’s A Stampede! to read this post featuring the best quotes from the hilarious movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. For more movie-related content, be sure to check out the recommended reads below.

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