A few days ago, while scrolling through Amazon Prime Video, I stumbled across Rainbow. Prior to seeing Rainbow listed on Amazon, if you had mentioned this film to me I would have had no idea what you were talking about – since when did this picture exist?!

But you know, seeing an image of it up on Amazon, somewhere in the deepest part of my mind, I recalled this film. I couldn’t tell you much about it, but I remembered that Bob Hoskins was involved in it – I believe as the director and star – and that it had some kind of notable visual effects.

I even (vaguely) recalled seeing a trailer and/or a review from when Rainbow was first released. And because of this sudden flash of long-forgotten knowledge, I knew I just had to give it a watch.

Will it be any good? Who knows?

The fact that no one ever talks about Rainbow isn’t a good sign, but I’m keen to try it out anyway. This sudden memory jolt has me intrigued and now I need to know what this film is all about.

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*Presses play*

5mins – First observation? This movie looks cheap. Really, really cheap. Although to be fair, the copy that is available to stream on Amazon is clearly the same print that was sent to cinemas back in 1996 – no one has ever considered remastering/cleaning up this film (and nor will they).

10mins – From what I understand so far, Bob Hoskins is playing some kind of magician/entertainer and he is friends with a little boy, who is presumably the main focus of this film?!

12mins – There’s also a dog in this film.

12mins 30secs – The dog has appeared at least three times, so I really hope the dog becomes a key part of the story.

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20mins – Once again, I must point out that this is a bad movie. Not only is it mind-numbingly boring, but it also plays like a bad kids’ TV show. Did this really make it into cinemas? How many? I need names/locations/dates. I can’t believe anyone watched this.

26mins – So, the kids in this movie (there’s now a whole bunch of them) want to find a rainbow… or something. I don’t know, these kids are weird! Either way, they’re running around their school, knocking into the teacher, sounding off about rainbows, and just being little shits.

Oh, the dog is back! Yay!

I couldn’t care less about the kids now, I’m all about what’s going on with the dog. I hope he goes on lots of adventures.

28mins – The dog and the kids are now chasing a rainbow. WHY?!! Why can’t they just shoplift or sniff glue like normal kids?

31mins – After an incredibly short period of time, the kids have found the end of the rainbow and have now… er… entered it. Is this a scientifically accurate term? Does one enter a rainbow?

32mins – Well, whatever is going on, there’s lots of bright colours on screen, so either they have ‘entered’ the rainbow or they’re just tripping on acid. Maybe I’m tripping on acid. Is this film even real or am I just off my box?!

35mins – The kids have now finished ‘riding the rainbow’ (don’t ask) and have been dropped off into a cornfield in Kansas. *Sigh* The Wizard of Oz reference is so subtle.

37mins – Dan Aykroyd has just turned up. He’s playing a Kansas sheriff and he looks about as confused as I am. It’s OK, Dan it’ll all be over soon. I hope.

54mins – Everyone in this movie is trying to figure out how the kids travelled to Kansas via a rainbow, yet I’m here trying to figure out how this movie ever got made?! I love(d) Bob Hoskins – Who Framed Roger Rabbit is my favourite movie – but jeez, this film is just so lame.

1hr – So, one of the kids stole some gold from the rainbow and now as a result the world has suddenly become devoid of colour and everyone is monochrome and miserable/angry.

You know, I don’t think it has anything to do with him stealing the gold – it’s more likely that people are miserable/angry because they’ve had to endure this movie.

1hr 11mins – All the colour is being drained from the world and unless the kids and Bob Hoskins can fix the problem within the next ten hours, the world is doomed.

TEN HOURS?!

*Looks up running time*

There’s about 20 minutes left.

*Wipes sweat from forehead and breathes a sigh of relief*

For a moment I thought I would have to sit through ten more hours of this crap.

1hr 16mins – I’m going to assume that the monochrome technique employed in Rainbow was cutting edge back in 1996. Now it just looks rubbish. It simply looks like the editor turned the colour down while cutting this film. I could do a better job with an Instagram filter.

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1hr 22mins – Oh, for those wondering, the dog has popped up from time-to-time, but if truth be told, he has had barely anything to do in this movie. School boy error – the dog should have been the star of this picture.

1hr 23mins – OK, I’m into the last ten minutes of the film and one of the kids has thrown himself (and the stolen gold) back into the rainbow. And as is by magic, all of the colour has been restored… and people have stopped being arseholes.

Hurrah!

I’m not cheering because the world is safe and sound, I’m cheering because Rainbow is over.

*Presses stop*

I was around the age of 14/15 when this movie hit cinemas in 1996 and I clearly had no real interest in watching it – hence the fact I had all but erased its existence from my mind. I’m now 38 and having seen Rainbow in its entirety I can honestly say I made the right decision back in ’96.

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Rainbow is bad. It looks cheap, there’s barely any story, and the effects are rubbish. It also doesn’t help that the movie NEVER MAKES FULL USE OF THE DOG!

*Shakes head*

A poor film with nothing here to recommend. Now let’s never speak of it again.

*Deletes Rainbow off the Amazon ‘Watchlist’*

*Closes Amazon account*

*Unplugs television*

*Tips the television over, and watches as it shatters on impact with the ground*

*Feels satisfied that he will never see Rainbow again.*

*Regrets tipping over the TV set*

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Thanks for reading this post about Rainbow – I appreciate you dropping by to experience my misery. For more posts, check out one of the recommended reads below.

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