Full disclosure: I have never watched Coneheads before. I have previously watched around ten minutes of this movie – a minute here, two minutes there – but I’ve never sat down to watch the whole movie.
Well, it’s simple – Coneheads is supposed to be a pretty awful movie. As such, I’ve actively avoided it over the years.
Today I’m going to see if it’s really as bad as people say.
As for what I know about Coneheads; well I know the movie originated as a sketch on Saturday Night Live and it stars Dan Aykroyd as an alien. I feel like this is all I really need to know.
*Clicks the play button*
1min 30secs – This film has a good cast: Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Michael McKean, David Spade, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman… what can go wrong?
5mins – Dan Aykroyd looks like a butt plug. Is this supposed to be part of the joke or just a coincidence?
6mins 40secs – Sinbad has just turned up. Maybe Dan Aykroyd should ask Sinbad if he ever starred in a movie called Shazaam?
7mins – For the record, I’m convinced he did!
10mins – OK, so Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin are aliens living on Earth. They have just discovered that they are trapped here, so will have to acclimatise themselves to Earth’s unique ways. Oh boy, are they in for a treat! They should be fine, so long as they avoid conversations regarding politics, gun control and The Last Jedi.
12mins 20secs – It’s Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler has just turned up. Yeah… I’m pretty indifferent about Adam Sandler. For every 50 First Dates and The Wedding Singer there’s a Little Nicky. Forget I even mentioned his involvement in this movie.
15mins – Oh look – it’s Michael McKean! Yay! McKean works for the US Department of Justice and is looking at ways to tighten up border control through non-ethical means. Now who does he remind me of?
16mins 50secs – Jon Lovitz! Yay! It’s Jon Lovitz!!!
21mins – Drew Carey!
22mins – Over twenty minutes into this film and all I can really say is, there are a lot of cameos! And this is the only saving grace of this movie. I’m using the phrase ‘saving grace’ very loosely.
31mins – And now it’s time for Jason Alexander! And he’s wearing a very unconvincing toupee.
32mins – Oh… I think it’s supposed to be a joke that he’s wearing a toupee. I think this movie is supposed to have jokes in it, so I’m guessing this must be one of them.
36mins – I’ve yet to laugh, but I’m pretty sure I’ll start soon. It’s bound to happen, right? The law of averages and all that.
40mins – The Conehead family continue to assimilate into domestic life. I continue to wonder why I decided to watch this movie today.
47mins 50secs – Did Ellen DeGeneres just make a cameo as a swim coach? I may have to Google that in a while.
52mins – I really have nothing to say about this film. It’s painful to watch. Am I allowed to bail from watching this movie?
52mins 20secs – No, I must see this through to the end. I’ve managed to get through worse things in life. Well… maybe not worse things, but certainly situations equally as frustrating.
55mins 40secs – I think I’m about to watch an alien sex scene. I’m not sure I’m old enough to watch this kind of thing.
1hr 1min – I’m still searching for the jokes. If you don’t hear from me for a while, send out a search party.
1hr 8mins – OK, to recap. Dan Aykroyd is an alien living on Earth and trying to avoid detection by local authorities. For many years he’s managed to do this quite successfully, but he’s now been discovered by Michael McKean – a man who has no time for immigrants. Through a series of events, that I really can’t be bothered to explain, Aykroyd has left Earth (with McKean) and is now on a planet of coneheads.
1hr 8mins 30secs – Yep, a planet of coneheads!
1hr 9mins – This film has somehow managed to achieve the seemingly impossible – it’s gotten worse!
1hr 20mins – It’s almost over. I’m done.
Awful. Irritating and incredibly unfunny. Maybe this seemed like a good idea to anyone who caught the sketch on Saturday Night Live, but it just does not work as full-length piece. It is terrible.
The only thing to take away from this movie is the message aliens are productive members of society and should not be feared. Everything else about Coneheads should be jettisoned into space.
If you enjoyed reading about my first screening of Coneheads, then you might like to know this is just one of 100 movies which appear in my new book: Rewind to the ’90s – A Journey Through 100 Movies of the 1990s.
The book is available as a digital edition from Amazon and features an exhaustive collection of discussions about movies, including Wagons East!, Arlington Road, Highland II, and Turbulence, amongst many others.
Disclaimer: I earn a commission for products purchased through some links in this article.