In low-budget British comedy, Jack, Charlie Bones is an awkward third-year university student, who is struggling with his sex life. He lives at home, is perpetually horny, and can’t seem to attract any affection from anyone around him.

Despite his best efforts to catch the attention of a fellow student he has a crush on, Charlie also repeatedly messes things up. He gets himself into strange situations, and accidentally convinces the girl he likes that he is gay.

After speaking to a counsellor to better understand himself, Charlie starts to work through some of his insecurities and hang ups. But can Charlie control his hormones long enough to make progress with a girl, or is he going to continue flying solo?  

Image: ©Mighty Jack LTD/Groucho Arts
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Directed and co-written by Pelayo De Lario, Jack stars Luka Rollason, Philip Tomlin, and Angela Sant’Albano. The movie is available through digital download from Monday January 23rd, and is pitched as a cheeky comedy, which unfortunately isn’t cheeky, nor is it comical.

Instead, the film is painfully slow, it features some toe-curling attempts at humour, and in terms of its story, it never feels like it goes anywhere. To make matters worse, it has absolutely nothing new to say about young people or modern-day relationships, meaning it’s not just dull, it also feels kind of pointless.

On a plus side, it is competently put together, but that’s about it. The whole thing feels like a student picture, conceived between lectures and sessions on the lash.

Image: ©Mighty Jack LTD/Groucho Arts
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Now, if you’re wondering why this movie is called Jack, and not Charlie, this is due to the movie’s ‘unique selling point’. The USP is that from time-to-time, Charlie’s manhood – which calls itself ‘Jack’ – makes occasional comments about Charlie’s sex life (or lack thereof).

Sounds mildly funny, doesn’t it? Well, sadly it isn’t.

The concept of a witty winky could have been used quite effectively, had the writing in this film been stronger or the idea been better developed; but once again, this is a fruitless exercise. Jack the penis fails to generate any laughs, has nothing insightful to offer, and oddly, this sentient schlong barely features in the film.

It is as if someone came up with the idea of the talking tackle, figured it could be a useful way to openly discuss a man’s sex-drive, then forgot to actually invest any time in the concept. Why Jack is so underused is truly baffling, but ultimately it is a blessing in disguise, as the whole thing is quite annoying.

Image: ©Mighty Jack LTD/Groucho Arts
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Nothing about Jack (the film and the penis) is particularly interesting, and after about ten minutes everything begins to drag. Characters are also paper-thin, the acting is questionable, there’s simply no excitement or atmosphere, and it doesn’t even have a proper ending.

Although, if you do stick with the film until the final reel, you’ll not really care about the state of the ending, you will simply be happy it is all over. Once the credits roll, you can walk blinkingly into the sun and do something far more worthwhile with your day.

Image: ©Mighty Jack LTD/Groucho Arts
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As far as sex-comedies go, this film is about as sexy as a fish finger wearing lipstick. And while I may not be the target audience for this particular story, I can’t imagine anyone finding it remotely appealing.

If you want to watch a movie about young people trying to get into relationships, there are far better movies out there including Clueless, American Pie and Love, Simon. I’d advise checking out one of these instead.

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Thank you for taking the time to read this review on It’s A Stampede!. For more reviews, check out the recommended reads below.

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