Review: Bullet Train Down

By Alex Wiggan

Remember last year’s Brad Pitt action-comedy, Bullet Train? Well, the folks over at The Asylum certainly do, resulting in the arrival of their latest picture, the action-disaster flick, Bullet Train Down.

The movie – from director Brian Nowak – stars Tom Sizemore, Xander Bailey, and Rashod Freelove, and tells the story of the world’s fastest train, as it embarks on its inaugural journey. This of course should be a time for celebration, with all of the passengers and the world’s press championing this new endeavour, but unfortunately a significant problem looms on the horizon.

A terrorist has fitted an 18-megawatt bomb onto the inner workings of the train. The bomb is rigged to explode if the train’s speed drops below 200 miles per hour, which means it can’t slow down or stop for any outside assistance.

With the train hurtling along at top speed, it is up to the passengers – including military operative Kessler Briggs – to try and find and defuse the bomb. But will they succeed before the train runs out of track, and will the audience stick with the film long enough to really care?

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Now the first thing to point out about Bullet Train Down, is that this movie has absolutely NOTHING to do with the Brad Pitt film from last year – so don’t get confused. The two movies share a similar title, and both feature the same mode of transportation, but that’s where the similarities end.

Bullet Train was a big budget affair which attracted A-list talent. Meanwhile, Bullet Train Down is a low-budget piece of tosh, starring barely anyone you will have ever heard of, and probably not filmed anywhere in the vicinity of an actual train.

The second thing to point out is that yes, this film does borrow an idea from the Keanu Reeves action film, Speed. In that movie, it was a bus which couldn’t travel below 50mph, while here it is a train that can’t drop below 200mph.

Once again, this is where the similarities end. This film does not have Keanu Reeves at its disposal, nor does it have the tension, suspense, or spectacle that Speed displayed.

The third and final thing to highlight, and possibly the most important of all, is that while this movie is cheap, derivative trash, it is marginally better than some of the drivel usually pumped out by The Asylum. This isn’t an endorsement by the way, so please don’t think I’ve lost my mind, but this is me saying this film is at least better than 2021’s BEYOND AWFUL Ape vs. Monster.

But to be clear: This film is crap. It is unoriginal twaddle.

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Some of the acting in Bullet Train Down ranges from ‘barely adequate’ to ‘clearly reading lines straight from the script’. In fact, I think both of these descriptions sum up Tom Sizemore’s performance in this picture, which is lifeless and lazy to say the least.

When the actor is not mumbling his words, Sizemore is basically stood around mouthing crap dialogue to the camera while looking bored. All his scenes appear to have been filmed in one take, separate from everyone else, and presumably during his lunch break while working on another project.

The only actor who walks away from Bullet Train Down with any kind of credibility is Rashod Freelove who plays Kessler Briggs, and even this is after he appears in a scene where his character duct tapes himself to the top of the train (no, really). The scene is beyond preposterous and is about as believable as me winning a Cilla Black look-a-like contest, but hey, it happens, and Freelove does what he can with it.

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Outside of the questionable acting, the script seems to have been written by a 13-year-old, the computer-generated visual effects are subpar, and the interior scenes appear to have been filmed in someone’s living room. The movie is also about as exciting as a party political broadcast, and as dramatic as a wet fart.

While this might not be the worst film from The Asylum, it is still a waste of time and money. I spent 85-minutes on this dross, so you don’t have to, so please don’t follow in my footsteps.

Anyway, should you have lost control of your mental faculties, or have too much time and money on your hands, Bullet Train Down is available in the UK via video-on-demand platforms from Monday January 9^th. Do whatever you wish with this information.