About a week ago, I had a dream. In the dream, I was best friends with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Being best buds with The Rock came with benefits. Not only was he generous, but he invited me to the premiere of his latest movie – the big screen holiday film, Red One.
Unfortunately, during the course of the screening I was less than enthusiastic about the picture, which disappointed my bosom buddy immensely. Things then went from bad to worse when I told him, post-screening, I thought Red One was a bit of a dud.
Ah, but this was only a dream, and of course my opinion of the film meant nothing in the Land of Nod. To be fair, my opinion means very little outside of the Land of Nod too, but it has never stopped me throwing it around with careless abandon.
Either way, my imaginary friendship with Dwayne Johnson was irrevocably damaged because of my apathy towards Red One. And unfortunately, if the pair of us were ever going to be friends in real life (rather than this fantasy nonsense I invented during nap time), then we would hit a similar stumbling block.
Because while my dream was entirely fictional, and concocted one night during the early hours of the morning, his new film, Red One, was not. Red One is a real movie, it is new to UK cinemas this week (US cinemas from November 15th), and…
*Heavy sigh*
…it’s rubbish.
Directed by Jake Kasdan, Red One stars Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, Kiernan Shipka, Bonnie Hunt, J. K. Simmons, and the aforementioned Johnson. The movie focuses on a team-up between a security guard and a bounty hunter, in a plot to rescue Santa Claus.
In the movie, Callum Drift is the head of security at the North Pole. With Christmas fast approaching, he prepares to work his last shift after standing at Santa’s side for the past 542 years.
However, disaster strikes when Santa is kidnapped by unidentified assailants. The only lead to his whereabouts is a bounty hunter named Jack O’Malley, who inadvertently helped in the kidnapping.
Enlisting Jack’s aid, Callum sets out to rescue Santa. But with less than 24 hours until Christmas Day, he isn’t just trying to save Santa, he’s trying to save the holiday season itself!
*Shakes head until it almost falls off*
If ever there was a movie that looked like a streaming title, acted like a streaming title, and SHOULD HAVE BEEN a streaming title, it is Red One. The film has direct-to-streaming written all over it, and the fact it isn’t playing on Amazon and is instead opening in cinemas is truly mind boggling.
But then, a cinematic release for this film should be expected really, as Red One needs every opportunity it can get to claw back some of its absolutely RIDICULOUS budget. According to reports, Red One cost an eye-watering $250 million to make, which is not only insane levels of cash, but truly puzzling for a film like this.
Where the heck has the cash gone?! It sure as heck isn’t on the script, which is woeful, nor is it on the special effects or cinematography, which are bland and uninspiring.
I can only imagine the money went on the handful of ‘star’ names attached to the picture – none of which are any good. Johnson is on default setting, Evans is bland, Liu is bad, and Kiernan Shipka is terrible and unintentionally camp as the film’s villain.
Only Bonnie Hunt and J. K. Simmons come out of this thing in decent shape, and that’s largely because they are barely in the film. Presumably they are also on less money.
But seriously, crap acting and ‘star’ salaries aside, movies like this shouldn’t cost so much! It’s utter madness.
To put things into context, the cameo-filled Deadpool & Wolverine cost $200 million to make; the practical-effects heavy Beetlejuice Beetlejuice cost $100 million; and the beautifully animated and utterly delightful The Wild Robot cost $78 million. All three were enjoyable movies, and all three are films that will be looked back on fondly at the end of 2024.
I doubt very much the same will be said about Red One, which will be forgotten about by Christmas. Heck, if anyone cares about this film by Thanksgiving I’ll be very surprised.
At best, Red One will be remembered as that so-so Dwayne Johnson movie that SHOULD HAVE BEEN A STREAMING TITLE. At worst, it’ll be remembered as that so-so Dwayne Johnson movie which cost a lot of cash and was underwhelming.
Either way, someone spent too much money to produce a movie this mediocre. Sure, it’s passable in places, but once again, this thing cost $250 million!
A shocking waste.
So, what in this overpriced picture is any good? Erm… there’s not much to offer, I’m afraid.
The highlight of the movie is the inclusion of Santa’s brother. This character, and his entire introduction sequence, utilises make-up, prosthetics, and some practical effects, which all look pretty good.
Red One uses an overabundance of CGI, yet when it comes to the make-up and related special effects in this one scene it all looks the business. Sadly, despite this one element of success, the rest of the film falls short.
There are various points where it’s clear Red One is attempting some neat ideas, and parts of it aren’t without merit, but it continuously misses the mark. And it doesn’t just miss the mark, it’s more or less flat throughout.
This in itself is odd, as director Jake Kasdan helmed the two recent Jumanji movies (which starred Johnson), and they were a heap of fun. I’m not sure what went wrong with Red One, but the difference between those movies and this one is night and day.
I like Dwayne Johnson, and I’ve been a supporting voice for many of his movies, but Red One simply isn’t good. It’s a middling film with occasional bright spots, but it’s a middling film nonetheless.
There is no chemistry amongst the cast, the whole thing looks as if it was shot in front of a green screen, and the story is terrible. Don’t waste your money on this film, spend it on something else instead.
If you really want to watch Red One, wait until it turns up on Amazon, which is where it should have gone all along. It wouldn’t make the film any better, but when you’re sat at home in your PJs chatting amongst yourselves during the crap bits, no one will mind.
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