The Halloween weekend is finally upon us, and with the big day falling on a Tuesday this year, you now have the perfect excuse to stretch out the celebrations for the next five days. Hurrah!
Oh, and what’s this? A new supernatural horror film has arrived in UK and US cinemas this week, just in time for the final days of the spooky season?!
Hmm… cutting it a bit fine, isn’t it? This must mean the film is either the greatest horror movie of all time, which doesn’t need to worry about landing in cinemas this close to Halloween; or it’s simply a bit shit, and it is being dumped out at the eleventh hour in the hope it will make a fast buck before we all turn our attention to Christmas.
I’ll give you a minute to work out which one you think it is – even though I believe you already know – so please talk amongst yourselves. Anyway, the movie in question is Five Nights at Freddy’s.
Directed and co-written by Emma Tammi, Five Nights at Freddy’s stars Josh Hutcherson, Piper Rubio, Mary Stuart Masterson, and Matthew Lillard. Based on the popular video game series of the same name, the film follows the story of a security guard who works the night shift at an abandoned entertainment centre, where four animatronic mascots come to life.
In the film, Mike Schmidt is a young man who lives with his younger sister, Abby. Having experienced a traumatic event in his youth, Mike is very protective of Abby, and is doing everything he can to remain as her guardian.
But if dealing with his past and looking after his sister wasn’t difficult enough, Mike also has to contend with interference from his Aunt Jane. Jane is determined to take Abby away from Mike and is preparing to fight a custody battle.
Jane stands a good chance of becoming Abby’s legal guardian because Mike has difficulty holding down a job. All of his previous jobs have ended abruptly, and this certainly isn’t helping his case.
But things could soon improve after Mike takes on a new role as a security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria – an old entertainment centre that has long since closed its doors. Mike’s job is to look after the building as a night watchman, and ensure no one breaks in.
At first the job seems simple enough, but after a while Mike becomes unsettled after he learns more about the building, as well as its occupants: a quartet of animatronic characters. Is there something sinister going on at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, and does it have anything to do with the trauma Mike experienced as a child?
OK, so I’ve given you plenty of time to consider whether you think Five Nights at Freddy’s is good or not, now I’ll just come out and tell you. No, Five Nights at Freddy’s is not good.
Bland, boring, and extremely tiresome, Five Nights at Freddy’s is an incredibly dull movie, which is neither scary, nor creepy, and it’s not all that interesting either. The film shuffles from one scene to the next, with next-to-no excitement in between, and at times it is painfully slow to watch.
If you’ve seen the preview trailers for this film, and you expect Five Nights at Freddy’s to be some madcap movie, with crazy animatronics coming to life and causing utter carnage, I suggest you lower your expectations. This isn’t that kind of film, and you’d be better off watching the 2021 Nicolas Cage action-horror, Willy’s Wonderland instead (which is that kind of film).
Incidentally, I wasn’t a fan of Willy’s Wonderland, so that’s not a recommendation, but I do think it meets certain expectations that Five Nights at Freddy’s simply doesn’t. Five Nights at Freddy’s is a very sedate affair, and one which seems more interested in dealing with trauma than anything to do with animatronics or Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria.
My biggest issue with Five Nights at Freddy’s is that it feels like two ideas which have been combined and held together with tape. One idea is the concept of supernatural animatronics haunting a mysterious pizzeria, and the other idea is a tale about a guy who witnessed a life-impacting event when he was a kid.
Both ideas could make for a great film, but when placed together they don’t seem to work. It also doesn’t help that all of the Five Nights at Freddy’s material comes across as an afterthought, that has been bolted onto another script entirely.
I’m not sure if that’s the case, but that’s how it feels. Remove the pizzeria, the animatronics, and the Five Nights at Freddy’s brand name, and this is merely a haunting drama at best.
It’s a drama that could work, but in this current form it doesn’t. The expectations of this film being something more interesting and dynamic weigh heavily on its shoulders, plus there’s the niggling feeling that in general it’s just kind of ‘meh’ anyway.
The cast try to make this workable, and to be fair, it is watchable – if you’ve suddenly become incapacitated and simply can’t avoid it – but it’s just boring. There’s nothing going on here that makes it worth anyone’s time.
If Five Nights at Freddy’s didn’t carry the brand name of a popular video game, I doubt it would be playing in cinemas – this film has all the hallmarks of a straight-to-streaming title. In the US, the film is getting both a theatrical release and a streaming release on Peacock, which is at least halfway in the right direction, but it’s certainly not an event movie worthy of the big screen.
If you’re a big fan of the Five Nights games you may wish to check it out, but don’t get your hopes up. As for everyone else, go watch something better this Halloween, because this is likely to bore you rigid.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this review on It’s A Stampede!. For more reviews, check out the recommended reads below.
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