In 1995, director Mel Brooks brought the comedy-horror, Dracula: Dead and Loving It to the big screen. The movie – a spoof of Bram Stoker’s Dracula – starred Leslie Nielsen as Count Dracula and Peter MacNicol as Thomas Renfield, with Brooks popping up to play the role of Professor Van Helsing.
Daft, silly, and not in the least bit scary, the whole movie was played for laughs. Dracula: Dead and Loving It poked fun at the iconic horror character, as well as the genre that spawned him, with Nielsen having a ball playing the Prince of Darkness.
Yet despite the fun and japes involved in the picture, Dracula: Dead and Loving It was not met with a positive critical reception, and upon making its debut it promptly flopped at the box office. However, years after its release, the film has developed a cult following, largely due to its gags and playful dialogue.
And speaking of the dialogue, in this post I am taking a look at some of the lines from the movie with a run through of the best quotes from Dracula: Dead and Loving It. These are the quotes which have won over fans of the film and have raised a few smiles here and there.
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The best Dracula: Dead and Loving It quotes
Jonathan Harker – “Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?”
Van Helsing – “Yes!… and no…”
Jonathan Harker – “Then what are you saying?”
Van Helsing – “I’m saying no. But I’m leeeeaning towards yes.”
Dr. Seward – “Then you’re saying yes.”
Van Helsing – “No.”
Dr. Seward – “Then you’re saying no.”
Van Helsing – “Not necessarily.”
Jonathan Harker – “You sound dubious.”
Van Helsing – “No, I’m positive!”
Jonathan Harker – “Of what?”
Van Helsing – “Of my theory!”
Jonathan Harker – “And that would be?”
Van Helsing – “The theory of Yes or no.”
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Dr. Seward – “Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He’s a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.”
Van Helsing – “And gynaecology.”
Dr. Seward – “Oh, I didn’t know you had your hand in that, too.”
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Van Helsing – “Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?”
Dr. Seward – “Tepes?”
Van Helsing – “Ya. It means ‘The Impaler.’ He was a blood-thirsty butcher. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!”
Dracula – “They had it coming.”
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Renfield – (Renfield is being thrown back into the Asylum after being caught peeping at Lucy) “I didn’t see anything! I didn’t see anything!”
Renfield – (Orderly who threw him in the cell leaves) “I saw everything.”
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Dracula – “You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby… and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.”
(The valet goes to open Seward’s chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward’s chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain)
Usherette – “Hello, can I help you sir?”
Dracula – (Mimicking her) “Can I help you sir?”
Dracula – “What’s wrong with you, why did you not tell him?”
Usherette – “About what?”
Dracula – “About the message!”
Usherette – “For whom?”
Dracula – “Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!”
Usherette – “No tip?”
Dracula – “Ah! That, you remember!”
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Martin – (Renfield starts sobbing and Martin comes in a second later) “Well, you’re free to go!”
Renfield – “Free to go? Why? How?”
Martin – “Good behaviour.”
Renfield – “But I’ve only been in here for a moment.”
Martin – “Well for that moment, your behaviour was very good.”
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Dracula – “Children of the night… What a mess they make.”
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Van Helsing – (Examining Lucy’s throat with a magnifying lens) “Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat…”
Dr. Seward – “Three?”
Van Helsing – (Breathes on and polishes the lens) “Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.”
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Jonathan Harker – “She’s alive?”
Van Helsing – “She’s Nosferatu.”
Jonathan Harker – “She’s Italian?”
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Lucy Westenra – “I know you’ve always wanted me, and I’ve always wanted you. Finally we can be together.”
Jonathan Harker – “But Lucy, I’m engaged to Mina… and you’re dead.”
Lucy Westenra – “I’m not dead. I’m undead.”
Jonathan Harker – “Yes, well, I’m not unengaged.”
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Dr. Seward – “I don’t understand it! he’s covered in blood and there’s not a drop on you!”
Van Helsing – “I have been to many stakings – you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location…”
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Dracula – (Carrying Essie out instead of Mina) “You will be my bride throughout eternity. We’ll share the endless passion of immortal love.”
Essie – “Oh I can’t wait!”
Dracula – (Stares at her in surprise) “NOT YOU!”
Dracula – (Takes her back inside and throws her on the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast) “You will be my bride throughout eternity, we’ll share the endless passion of immortal love!”
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Jonathan Harker – “Oh! This is – this is ghastly!”
Van Helsing – “Yes, you’re right. We should have put newspapers down!”
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Dracula – “Renfield, you were having a nightmare!”
Renfield – “A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don’t know how to describe it…”
(Pause)
Renfield – “Have you ever been to Paris?”
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Jonathan Harker – (Having been told to drive a stake into Lucy) “Oh, that’s horrible. Is there no other way?”
Van Helsing – “One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!”
Jonathan Harker – (After a moment’s thought) “Give me the stake.”
(Pauses again)
Jonathan Harker – “No. No, I can’t do it… you do it!”
Van Helsing – “It must be done by one who loved her in life!”
Jonathan Harker – “I only liked her!”
Van Helsing – “Close enough!”
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And finally…
Dr. Seward – “Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!”
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Thank you for stopping by It’s A Stampede! to read this post about the best Dracula: Dead and Loving It movie quotes. For more posts, be sure to check out the recommended reads below.
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