When it comes to holiday movies, there is a reason National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) is regarded as one of the best festive films of all time – the movie is loaded with hilarious dialogue. The lines spoken in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation not only make the movie zing, but also stay with audiences long after the credits have rolled.
In this post I am presenting a collection of great quotes from the movie. These are the best lines from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, which will remind you why this is a superb (and hilarious) movie.
Eddie – “You surprised to see us, Clark?”
Clark – “Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”
Ellen – “Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home… before things get worse.”
Clark – “WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”
Clark – “Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.”
Aunt Bethany – “What, dear?”
Nora Griswold – “Grace!”
Aunt Bethany – “Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.”
Uncle Lewis – “They want you to say Grace.”
Uncle Lewis – “The BLESSING!”
Aunt Bethany – “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
Clark – “Amen.”
Aunt Bethany – “What’s that sound? You hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound.”
Uncle Lewis – “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”
Clark – “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
Ellen – “What are you looking at?”
Clark – “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn… the clean, cool chill of the holiday air… an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.”
Uncle Lewis – “Oh, well that was an ugly tree anyway.”
Bethany – “Is your house on fire, Clark?”
Clark – “No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.”
Clark – “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?”
Eddie – “Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.”
Clark – “It’s a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.”
Eddie – “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”
Clark – “We’re kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.”
Audrey – “We’re not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?”
Clark – “No, I have one of those at home.”
Uncle Lewis – “Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.”
Clark – “Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.”
Uncle Lewis – “Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.”
Ruby Sue – “Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa Claus?”
Clark – “I’m sure… I can’t even afford to be an elf.”
Margo – “I hope he falls and breaks his neck.”
Todd – “Oh, I’m sure he’ll fall. But I don’t think we’re lucky enough for him to break his neck.”
Clark – “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.”
Eddie – “Don’t forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.”
Clark – “Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”
I hope these quotes have given you some festive joy. I also hope they have encouraged you to re-watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, because it is awesome!
For more festive treats, be sure to take a look at the recommended reads below. Here you will find more Christmas-related content to make your holiday sparkle.
- 60 Christmas movies to watch this holiday season
- What are all the Friends Christmas episodes?
- Is Lethal Weapon a Christmas movie?