Welcome to 50 first times. For those who came in late, I’m working my way through 50 previously unseen movies, watching good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between.

The rules are as follows:

  • The film I watch has to be something new (for me)
  • The film can be from any decade/genre

Today I’m watching…

Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins (1995)

So, for those who have never heard of this animated ‘movie’, my understanding is that Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins was conceived as a direct-to-VHS release, that was pushed out in 1995 as a bit of promotion for the then forthcoming live-action movie, Mortal Kombat (1995). This animated offering was supposed to act as a tie-in to the theatrical film, but from what I’ve heard it has nothing to do with the live-action film whatsoever.

Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins does not have a good reputation. For this reason alone, I want to see this film.

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*Presses play*

10secs – According to a bit of onscreen narration ‘Hidden clues to Mortal Kombat 3 await you’. Sounds… erm… exciting. Does this mean I should go and buy a copy of Mortal Kombat 3?

1min – Oh sweet jeez… this already looks bad.

1min 30secs – Mortal Kombat characters, Liu Kang, Sonya Blade, Johnny Cage are on screen and apparently they have all been chosen to fight in the Mortal Kombat tournament. Judging by the cheapness of this animation, this isn’t going to be much of a tournament.

2mins – Johnny Cage: “I think I’m going to hurl.” Clearly the big JC has already watched this movie.

3mins 30secs – I recognise some of the voice actors in this movie. Is that Jennifer Hale playing Sonia? Hale voiced Black Cat in the awesome Spider-Man: The Animated Series. How did she wind up in this crap?

6min 30secs – Erm… why do Subzero and Scorpion look exactly the same? OK, so one is wearing a blue outfit and the other is wearing yellow, but this is the same model/character design?!

7mins 15secs – “Hey, who cares if it makes any sense?” Yet again, some words of wisdom from Johnny Cage.

8mins 50secs – What in the name of bloody hell is this?! The animation has just changed from piss-poor traditional 2D animation (with shit/basic 3D backgrounds) to the WORST PIECE OF PURE 3D ANIMATION I HAVE EVER SEEN.

WTF is this?!

9mins 30secs – Was this whole scene made using Paint?

*Shakes head*

11mins – Back to 2D. I have no idea what that was all about. Who thought it was a good idea to switch to 3D animation? Is this where all the budget went? And how much of the $10 budget was used on that scene?

15mins – So Kang, Blade, Cage and Raiden are now on an island (oh yeah, Raiden is in this) and… oh for cripes sake, it’s switched back to 3D for a fight scene between Subzero and Scorpion…

16mins – …a really bad fight scene.

17mins 30secs – Back to 2D.

18mins – There is so much talking in this ‘film’. And I’m using the word ‘film’ very, very loosely.

19mins – Did the scriptwriter originally pen this for an audio book? He/she/they do know that film is a visual medium, right?

What am I saying? There is no scriptwriter here. These voice actors have been paid to just ramble for 40 minutes.

What am I saying? No one is paying these voice actors – the budget has been blown on the 3D animation!

20mins – Goro has arrived.

20mins 2secs –Bwahahahahahahahahaha…

hahahhaahahahahahhahahahahahahaahahahhhahaaaaaahahahahaaaahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhaahahahahaahahhahaha…. haha…. haha…

*Clutches sides*

*Takes a deep breath*

*Continues laughing*

Hahhahaaaahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha…. Oh man, this is so shit.

22mins – I didn’t think things could get any worse, and then the animation just switched to 3D for a fight between Goro and his brother.

22mins 30secs – This is easily the worst thing I have ever watched. And I’ve watched some shit. *Cough* Body of Evidence *Cough*

27mins – I’m about three quarters of the way through this film and I’ve lost track of:

  • a) The story
  • b) My life
  • c) All sense of good and bad in the world
  • d) All of the above

28mins – Arrgggghhh… this movie is so shit! Cage, Blade and Kang are all fighting various Baraka (yep, more than one) and to save on production costs, the same pieces of animation are being used over and over again. Blade has just done the same move three times!

28mins 30secs – Erm… now there’s some kind of weird blurring effect. What the heck is this all about? I can’t even see what’s going on!

*Realises that the inability to see this shit is probably a good thing*

You know, I’m OK with this blurring thing.

30mins – Seriously though, who signed off on this?

32mins – I’m into the final battle… I think.

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32mins 30secs – The Mortal Kombat music has kicked in, there’s a montage of all the atrocious 3D animation, and… and…

32mins 36secs – …and it’s finished.

The movie has finished.

What?!

32mins 37secs – A disclaimer has popped up on screen saying: ‘Prepare yourselves for Mortal Kombat: The Movie’.

That was it?

Really?

REALLY?

I sat through 32 minutes all for nothing?

32mins 40secs – Oh, wait, now some character bios are appearing on screen. Yeah… this isn’t making this movie any better.

36mins – Into the credits now (yep, I’m getting my monies worth on this one) and I can tell you, rather shockingly, that a lot of people worked on this film.

37mins 12secs – No word of a lie, even the ‘Production Dog’ got a credit.

37mins 15secs – The dog was called ‘Kiley’, if you were wondering.

37min 20secs – It’s not clear if the dog wanted its name removed from this production. I’m going to say that it’s likely the dog tried to distance itself from this crap.

37mins 30secs – And as the credits end, a cheat code pops up on screen for Mortal Kombat 3.

Ha!

As if anyone who has sat through this shit would then go and fire up their Playstation to play Mortal Kombat 3!

It’s more likely that they would walk into their bedroom, take the MK3 disc out of its case, turn it over, scratch it repeatedly until it was completely unplayable, then launch it out of the window.

And just in case that person ever felt tempted to think about Mortal Kombat ever again, they probably smashed up their Playstation….

….then set fire to their house.

*Presses stop*

Well, as stated above, that was easily the worst thing I have ever let my eyes see. And I once saw someone throw-up in the street three times!!

Why anyone pumped time, effort and money into this crap is beyond me. It’s very, very bad.

It doesn’t work as a tie-in to Mortal Kombat (which it isn’t anyway); it doesn’t work as a standalone MK story; and it doesn’t work as a film/short. It’s just shit.

Thanks for reading this latest entry in 50 first times. If you want to check out my posts on other previously unseen films then dive into The Holiday (2006)The Great Escape (1963)Song of the South (1946)Trilogy of Terror (1975)Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016)Chef (2014)High Noon (1952)Xanadu (1980)When A Stranger Calls (1979)The Sitter (1977)A Night at the Roxbury (1998)The Dark Crystal (1982)Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)Super (2010)When Harry Met Sally (1989)What We Do in the Shadows (2014)Shin Godzilla (2016), and Road House (1989).

Read: Part 20

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