Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Today’s entry is…
I know what you’re thinking. What the heck is Blast?
To be honest, I have no idea.
This movie wasn’t on my list of films to watch as part of 90 from the ’90s; I simply stumbled across it while looking through Amazon Prime Video.
Why am I watching it?
Well, a.) I’ve never seen it and b.) with only four movies left to go in this ongoing series of posts I thought it would be fun to mix things up. I will probably live to regret the choice I am about to make.
*Takes a deep breath*
OK, so all I know about Blast is what I can gleam from the information on Amazon and that is as follows:
Blast stars Rutger Hauer, Andrew Divoff and Linden Ashby (WHO?!?). The movie is directed by Albert Pyun (oh dear) and has something to do with terrorists taking over a swimming pool.
Now it’s at this point that I must note that I’ve watched at least two movies directed by Albert Pyun – Cyborg (1989) and Captain America (1990). Both movies are shit.
Is Blast the movie that will redeem Pyun?
It’s time to find out.
*Clicks the play button*
10mins – So far, nothing important has happened in the first ten minutes. What a great start to this movie. It can only go up from here, right?
14mins – Andrew Divoff and his team of terrorists have just broken into a swimming pool.
Who breaks into a swimming pool?
17mins – Divoff’s gang have taken a group of swimmers hostage.
*Takes a deep breath*
20mins – The vibe I’m getting so far from this film, is that this is a
low no budget rip off of Die Hard.
All it is making me want to do is watch Die Hard.
Or Die hard 2.
Or Die Hard with a Vengeance.
Not Die Hard 4 or 5 though. They were shit.
30mins – You know, I’m still trying to work out why anyone would take over this PRACTICALLY EMPTY swimming pool and threaten to bump off some hostages. THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
*Takes another deep breath*
*Checks blood pressure*
34mins – The terrorists have just aired a message on TV to explain they have hostages and they’re not afraid to kill them. Something exciting is surely bound to happen now.
36mins – Oooohhh… the FBI have surrounded the building. Here we go – any second now some shit is going down!
37mins – Any second now.
38mins – Any second now.
39mins – Any second now.
40mins – Wait for it.
41mins – It’s coming and…
42mins – *Yawn* Yeah, nothing is happening and I am mind-numbingly bored.
44mins – Rutger Hauer has turned up – something is bound to happen now. PLEASE!
45mins – Right, so Hauer has basically said the terrorists are going to kill the hostages and everyone is f****ed. I can’t imagine this is actually how the film will play out, but I’d much rather go with Hauer on this one so I don’t have to watch the rest of this dross.
OK, so that was Blast – and what a pile of shi…
What do you mean, I have to finish this movie?
48mins – The more I see of this movie, the more appealing Die Hard 4 & 5 are becoming.
Oh and if there was ever any doubt that Blast is a Die Hard clone, here is the Blast poster next to the Die Hard poster.
Just in case you have difficulty seeing the screen, Blast is on the left.
It’s the one without Bruce Willis
Or any originality.
50mins – I’d love to know what the budget was on this film. Presumably, the majority of the money went to Rutger Hauer who has been in this movie a total of two minutes.
*Tries to stay awake*
1hr 25mins – 35 minutes have passed and I have nothing to say.
1hr 33mins – After 1hr 33 minutes of doing nothing, Rutger Hauer has finally earned his money, by stabbing Andrew Divoff.
1hr 34mins – Apparently being stabbed wasn’t enough to kill him. Erm… but a bomb on a wheelchair(?!) was.
Divoff is dead, I’m done.
*Clicks stop button*
If you ever find yourself sat around the house, with a couple of hours of free time and nothing to do, promise me one thing – you will not watch Blast.
Don’t do it.
I have now watched three movies from director Albert Pyun. I will not be watching a fourth.
For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Drop Zone (1994), Hackers (1995), When a Stranger Calls Back (1993), The Secret Agent Club(1996), Flubber (1997), Robin Hood (1991), Jack Frost (1998), Psycho (1998), and Timecop (1994).