Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. This morning’s entry is…

Hackers (1995)

I’ll keep this to the point: I didn’t watch Hackers back in 1995 because it looked rubbish. I’ve not watched it since because… it looks rubbish.

*Clicks the play button*

1min 20secs – Is that Felicity Huffman in a court room? Is this foreshadowing?

*Cough*

I’m saying nothing.

5mins – I’m five minutes into this movie and I’m not sure what I’m finding more unconvincing, the idea that Jonny Lee Miller is a computer hacker or that he’s supposed to be playing an 18-year old?

5mins 30secs – From a quick Google search (and some calculation), Miller would have been in his early 20s when he made this movie, so not far off 18. He looks much older than the age he’s playing.

7mins 45secs – The soundtrack here is some kind of techno song. It’s very loud. I feel like I should be in a warehouse packed with people, all dancing our asses off and making weird shapes with our hands. I didn’t do that in the ’90s…. but I’m aware people did.

10mins 55secs – Yeah, I’m still not buying Jonny Lee Miller as an 18-year-old. This will be a huge sticking point throughout the remainder of this movie.

11 mins – Angelina Jolie has turned up. She has an ‘interesting’ hair cut. I’m using the word ‘interesting’ instead of ‘shit’.

14 mins – *Sigh* I’m trying to remain positive but I’m only 14 minutes into this film and I’m already finding it taxing. I remember 1995 being a lot less awful.

15mins 25secs – Matthew Lillard has turned up. This could go either way.

16mins 40secs – Oh jeez… the techno music is back! Maybe it’s because I’m watching this on a Sunday (and I’m 37) but it is really giving me a headache. #GettingOld

21mins – I think I’m supposed to be buying into the ‘sexual chemistry’ between Miller and Jolie. I’m not. I’ve seen more sexual chemistry between Tom and Jerry.

25mins – Oh boy, Matthew Lillard is irritating as heck in this movie. It’s not taking Scream level irritating, but he’s clearly working up to that kind of performance.

26mins – I realise I’m moaning a lot. I’ll try to stop. I think the boredom of this film has set in.

27mins 30secs – Was that Penn Jillette? Is Penn Jillette in this movie or was that just a cameo?

28mins – Yeah, it was Penn Jillette!

29mins – I think it was just a cameo, but it was the best bit of the movie.

41mins – Jonny Lee Miller is being recruited by Fisher Stevens (who I presume is the ‘villain’ of this movie) to help him find some hackers. Miller declines.

43mins 40secs – Er… a really random Angelina Jolie boob shot. Well, that seemed kind of pointless. I feel like that bit was only put in to encourage teenagers to rent this movie when it got its VHS release.

48mins – I know I promised to stop moaning, but some of the dialogue in this movie is laughable. Every so often someone will use ‘cyber speak’ to describe something. No one spoke like this in 1995. I know – I was there!

52mins – Oh the difference 24 years makes.

1995: Let’s hack the internet and shit with ‘the system’.

2019: Let’s look at all the free porn before the government blocks it.

1hr 15mins – Fisher Stevens wants to launch the Da Vinci Virus. I’m not sure what that is, but I presume it involves some kind of launch code.

A Da Vinci code.

*Pauses for laughter*

*Coughs*

I said, “a Da Vinci code.”

*Waits for laughter*

*Realises that the laughter isn’t coming*

*Moves on*

1hr 18mins – Back during the 1990s there were a number of movies like this one which looked at the internet as this dark sinister thing – movies such as The Net (1995), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), The Matrix (1999) etc. Oh, if only we had known the true purpose of the internet: Deliveroo orders, Amazon shopping and Netflix.

1hr 22mins – Matthew Lillard just used a pager. A pager! If there’s one thing that truly dates this movie it’s that damn pager! Ha!

1hr 25mins – Insert random hacking montage. *Yawn*

1hr 38mins – Whatever was going on with the Da Vinci virus (I lost interest to be honest) the situation has been resolved and Fisher Stevens has been arrested. Yay. Is this film over now? Please.

1hr 39mins – As the movie comes to a close, once again I’m expected to believe that Jolie and Miller are in love. I’m not buying it.

Wait, what?!

THEY GOT MARRIED AFTER THIS MOVIE?!

Really?!

I’m done.

I’m done.

I can’t. I just can’t.

*Clicks stop button*

Bland, boring and incredibly dated. Hackers might have seemed cool and edgy back in 1995 (when the vast majority of audiences knew next to nothing about the internet), but watching it now it all just seems so unrealistic and… well… rubbish.

Plus, seriously, how old were the cast supposed to be? Miller aside, everyone in this film appears to be a lot older than they’re pretending to be.

Overall, Hackers is rubbish. Outside of a few people feeling nostalgic for 1995 and *cough* bloggers playing catch-up on movies they’ve previously skipped, I can’t see why anyone would revisit this film.

Not awful, just not something I ever want to watch again.

Read: Part 86

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: The Secret Agent Club (1996), Flubber (1997), Robin Hood (1991), North (1994)Jack Frost (1998)Psycho (1998), and Timecop (1994).