Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Today’s entry is…

Clockmaker (1998)

Yeah, I know I’ve been running a little behind with 90 from the ’90s – I’m sorry. Blame the forthcoming release of Avengers: Endgame!

In order to prepare for the new Avengers movie I’ve been re-watching all 21 big screen entries in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which has kept me very busy as of late. I promise to round off 90 from the ’90s very soon.

Anyway, today is the turn of the next movie, which is Clockmaker, er… a film about a clock maker, I guess?!

I have no idea what this film is about, who the star is, or why someone felt the need to fund this project. All I know is that Clockmaker is currently available to stream on Amazon Prime Video and it’s next on my list.

It’s going to be shit, isn’t it?

It looks shit.

*Clicks the play button*

15secs – ‘A Pulsepounders Production’. Pulsepounders? Who the heck are Pulsepounders? I have a feeling my pulse will not be pounding by the conclusion of this movie. My patience might be tried.

5mins 15secs – Pierrino Mascarino has just turned up. Who is Pierrino Mascarino, I hear you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA! I only know this is the actor’s name because that’s what it says on Amazon X-Ray. He’s the only actor in this movie to have his image appear on Amazon X-Ray.

5mins 30secs – Hmm… I wonder if Pierrino Mascarino is the actor’s real name? It kind of sounds made up, like he’s some kind of character from a children’s book. Maybe he’s best mates with Alfonso Bonzo.

10mins – Ten minutes into this movie and I don’t get what is going on. A bunch of kids are walking around a room filled with clocks. Whose house is this? Why are these kids here? Where did Pierrino Mascarino go?

13mins – Hmm… a few minutes have passed and one of the kids has disappeared. Presumably he’s made a run for it to escape being in this film.

16mins – OK, OK, this film makes no sense.

18mins – From what I can tell (and I could be making this up), two of the kids from the beginning of the movie have travelled through time. I have no clue where the other kid is and I don’t know if I’ve got the patience to finish this film.

*Takes a deep breath*

19mins – Jeez, wherever these kids have travelled to this time/world has a smaller budget than an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Is this a world where dreams go to die? Is this my future?

24mins 30secs – Pierrino Mascarino has turned up. Come on Pierrino, I’m counting on you to improve this shit show.

30mins – Pierrino is sending the kids back in time to 1880. I don’t know why. I’ve given up questioning the decisions that are being made here. One thing I do know, this is not 1880.

42mins – FINALLY, 42 minutes into the movie and one of the kids has just explained the entire plot of the movie. In a nutshell, the kid who skipped out of the movie earlier has messed up time and the other two kids have travelled back to 1880 to correct this faux pas. I don’t understand how they plan to do this, but once again I’m not going to question the actions here.4

55mins – The acting in this film is indescribable.

*Pauses movie*

I need to know more about this film. I need to know if anyone else has ever sat through this before. What if I’m the only person to have ever watched this?!

*Looks up Clockmaker on Wikipedia*

This movie doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. How odd.

*Looks up Clockmaker on IMDb*

Phew, it does have an IMDb page.

There are nine reviews for this film. This means at least nine people (ten if I count myself) have watched this movie.

These are the titles of the Clockmaker reviews on IMDb:

  • Cheese beyond belief
  • Urghhh
  • 3 kids eff up time
  • This is so crap it makes me want to throw up
  • One of the campiest films of the 90s
  • Clock Waster
  • Annoying
  • Don’t be so hard…….
  • Relatively harmless fantasy programmer for kids

I believe the first seven titles sum up this movie very well. So well in fact, I don’t even need to read the actual reviews.

*Clicks play*

Back to the movie.

1hr 1min – Thanks to some help from a 19th Century comely wench, the three brats kids are reunited. This means this movie must be over soon, right?

1hr 13mins – This is painful. I’ve not even paid to watch this film and I’m considering asking for my money back. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve sat through 1hr 13mins of this crap.

*Sigh*

1hr 14mins 50secs – The kids have returned to the present. Hurrah! Can I switch this off now?

*Clicks stop button*

Well, fine readers of It’s A Stampede!, today is the day that I discovered a new level of awful. Today is the day where I questioned the choices I’ve made in life that have led me to watching Clockmaker.

Whatever did I do to deserve this?

Clockmaker? More like Crapmaker!

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Arlington Road (1999), Coneheads (1993)Disclosure (1994)The Secret Agent Club(1996)Fear (1996)Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)Sudden Death (1995)Balto (1995)Another 48 Hours (1990)What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1993)Saving Private Ryan (1998), Reservoir Dogs (1992)Flubber (1997)The Big Lebowski (1998)FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)Free Willy (1993)The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996)Air Bud (1997)Robin Hood (1991)Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (1999)Hercules and Xena: The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998)Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story (1993)Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991)Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999)Showgirls (1995)American History X (1998)North (1994)Jack Frost (1998)Psycho (1998)A League of Their Own (1992)Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)Patch Adams (1998)My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)You’ve Got Mail (1998)Sleepless in Seattle (1993)Graveyard Shift (1990)Johnny Mnemonic (1995)Striptease (1996)Indecent Proposal (1993)My Girl 2 (1994)The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)Poison Ivy (1996)Body of Evidence (1993)Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992)Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993)Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).

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