Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. This afternoon’s entry is…

The Secret Agent Club (1996)

I know the following about this movie:

  • Hulk Hogan is the star.
  • It has something to do with spies/secret agents.

Following the dire Mr. Nanny (1993), can Hulk Hogan redeem himself with The Secret Agent Club?

I hope so!

*Clicks the play button*

3mins 22secs – I’m just over three minutes into this movie and I’m struggling to believe that Hulk Hogan could be a secret agent. Even dressed head to toe in black he still looks like a Hulk Hogan! What’s next, Macho Man Randy Savage trying to pass himself off as a nun?

7mins – What was the budget on this film? Presumably, whatever it was the money went on Hogan’s fee and nothing else. NOTHING ELSE!

10mins – To put things into context, Hogan has just broken into a building, where a group of bad guys™ are bidding on a powerful weapon. How powerful? As powerful as a budget of $10 can be. Anyway, Hogan has managed to steal the weapon and is currently making his way out of the building.

13mins – He got away with it.

15mins – To maintain his cover as a secret agent, Hulk Hogan is now pretending to be the dorkiest dad ever! It might be believable if it wasn’t for the fact he still looks like Hulk Hogan. What’s next, Macho Man Randy Sav… oh wait, I’ve already made that joke.

22mins – Hulk Hogan has just had his cover blown!. His son now knows the truth that a.) his father is a secret agent and b.) he’s in a terrible movie.

30mins – Who is this film aimed at? Kids wouldn’t watch this shite and adults surely wouldn’t – so who?! If I had paid to watch this at the cinema back in 1996 I would have asked for my money back. I would have also asked that the cinema close down as a sign of respect to mourn the death of my childhood.

32mins – I can’t believe I’m still watching this.

*Sigh*

Anyway… Hulk Hogan has been captured by the bad guys™ who are using torture to discover the location of the stolen weapon. They should have just made him watch the past 30 minutes of this film. Now that’s torture!

40mins – Barry Bostwick is in this film. Why, Barry? Why?

45mins – By the way, should anyone reading this post want to watch The Secret Agent Club for themselves (and I’m not sure why you would), then you might like to know that the movie is currently available to stream on Amazon Prime Video. The film is highly recommended for those with insomnia.

50mins – The kids in this film have just uncovered a database, detailing all of Hogan’s history and his special skills. I can only presume they’re looking at IMDb rather than top secret government files.

1hr 3mins – Remember last week, when I had just got home from the hospital and I thought it was a good idea to watch Sudden Death? And as it turned out, despite being all over the place due to the medication/anaesthetic, watching the movie DID turn out to be a good idea? Well, on the flip-side, watching The Secret Agent Club is NOT a good idea. In fact, it is a terrible idea. Someone really needs to stop me from making these decisions!

1hr 6mins 30secs – One of the bad guys™ is about to drill a hole into Hulk Hogan’s head. Lucky bastard.

1hr 12mins – I’m into the last 10-12 minutes of the film and the chances of it improving are slim to non-existent.

1hr 16mins – Hulk Hogan is being shot at by the bad guys ™. According to the big boss of the movie, there are 200 armed guards in her arsenal. I count around eight and none of them can shoot straight. Hogan has this in the bag.

1hr 19mins – Hogan is free; the kids are safe; the bad guys have been stopped; and the super powerful weapon has been destroyed – using the self-destruct button. Yes, apparently the weapon has a self-destruct button. Why? I have no idea. At this point in the movie I’ve stopped asking questions, I just want it all to be over.

1hr 22mins – It’s over!

*Clicks stop*

Awful.

Really awful.

No redeeming features. Absolutely none.

The film is an hour and twenty minutes of bad acting, cringe-worthy situations and countless clichés. It’s still not the worst movie I’ve watched as part of this ongoing series of films – that award goes to Wagon’s East (1994) – but it’s not far off.

Ugh.

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Fear (1996)Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)Sudden Death (1995)Balto (1995)Another 48 Hours (1990)What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1993)Saving Private Ryan (1998), Reservoir Dogs (1992)Flubber (1997)The Big Lebowski (1998)FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)Free Willy (1993)The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996)Air Bud (1997)Robin Hood (1991)Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (1999)Hercules and Xena: The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998)Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story (1993)Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991)Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999)Showgirls (1995)American History X (1998)North (1994)Jack Frost (1998)Psycho (1998)A League of Their Own (1992)Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)Patch Adams (1998)My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)You’ve Got Mail (1998)Sleepless in Seattle (1993)Graveyard Shift (1990)Johnny Mnemonic (1995)Striptease (1996)Indecent Proposal (1993)My Girl 2 (1994)The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)Poison Ivy (1996)Body of Evidence (1993)Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992),Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993) Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).