Have I really reached my 75th movie in this series?
Jeez, it only feels like 74.
Oh yes, that’s because I’ve been trying to erase the experience of watching Lawnmower Man 2 (1996) from my mind.
Anyway, I am on to movie 75 in my ongoing series of ’90s movies that I’ve never watched before. Today is the turn of Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995).
Oh dear, this is going to be bad, isn’t it?
I remember watching Under Siege (1992) many, many years ago. It was watchable, but didn’t leave much of an impression.
Will this sequel be any better?
It’s time to find out.
*Clicks the play button*
1min – Kurtwood Smith is in this? I bet he’s playing a bad guy.
2mins – Speak of the devil and he appears.
5mins – Steven Seagal has entered the movie – bringing a sense of… erm… boredom, with him. He looks so disinterested in this movie. Is this the look I will have when all this is over?
7mins – Katherine Heigl has just turned up. She doesn’t look excited to be here either.
8mins – So, Under Siege took place on a boat. This film is taking place on a train. What’s next, a ski lift?
16mins – Seagal is making a cake. I think he’s just bored the cake mixture into submission.
18mins – The train has just been hijacked! It’s situations like this which cause fares to go up!
19mins – Seagal is busting out some moves. I hope he remembers to take that cake out of the oven. I’d hate to see it burn.
21mins – The hijackers have wrecked the kitchen. Seagal looks pissed off.
34mins – You know, I’m 34 minutes into this movie and I think I’ve lost the bet – Kurtwood Smith isn’t playing the villain.
37mins – So, the gist of this movie is that terrorists have hijacked a train; have gained access to a deadly Government satellite with enough fire power to wipe out the Eastern Seaboard; and they have ruined Steven Seagal’s cake. The bastards!
43mins – I genuinely don’t know if Seagal is going full-on method here or if he’s under the belief he’s actually an ex-Navy SEAL with culinary skills?!
48mins – I’ve been on many, many, MANY trains. None of them have ever moved this fast. This route certainly isn’t in the North West of England.
53mins – This film is very much a ‘by-the-numbers’ action movie. Take from that what you will. I’m not saying it’s shit; I’m just saying I’ve nearly fallen asleep three times.
58mins – Seagal is making a cocktail… with broken glass?! Erm, maybe it’s a good thing that the terrorists ruined his cake. I mean, what was in the cake mixture? Dog shit and dirt?
1hr 2mins – One of the terrorists has just been set on fire and pushed off the train. Lucky sod – he doesn’t have to sit through the remaining 35 minutes of this film.
1hr 4mins – Seagal is off the train. I repeat: Seagal is off the train.
1hr 13mins – He’s back on the train. I repeat: He’s back on the train. That was a tense nine minutes.
1hr 16mins – The train has hit ‘dark territory’, which basically means an area where there are no signals. It seems a little strange to me that this movie is subtitled Dark Territory when it’s taken until the final 20 minutes to get to this point of the track. Surely the film should have just been called Under Siege 2: Terrorists On A Train?
1hr 29mins – Seagal is kicking some ass with all kinds of martial arts. If I was the bad guy… I’d simply give in so I wouldn’t have to endure any more of this.
1hr 34mins – There are some truly ‘interesting’ special effects on display during these final moments of the movie. I could describe them to you, but those descriptions would never do the effects justice. I shall simply insert the words ‘sack of shit’ and you’ll be able to conjure up your own ideas.
Well… that was Under Siege 2.
Bored beyond belief.
To be fair, there was nothing inherently wrong with the movie – if you like generic action films – but that was most definitely a one-time watch and nothing more. And one time was possibly one time too many.
For a while now, I’ve heard rumours that a third Under Siege film is in the pipeline. I’m pretty thankful that it’s never materialised.
*Breathes a sigh of relief*
Right, I’ve got 15 movies left on my list, but what will they be? I bet the excitement is getting unbearable.
You’ll be pleased to know I’m about to head into movie #76. Check back shortly and it’ll be up for you to read.
For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996), Sudden Death (1995), Balto (1995), Another 48 Hours (1990), What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1993), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Reservoir Dogs (1992), Flubber (1997), The Big Lebowski (1998), FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992), Free Willy (1993), The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996), Air Bud (1997), Robin Hood (1991), Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (1999), Hercules and Xena: The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998), Fried Green Tomatoes (1991), We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991), Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999), Showgirls (1995), American History X (1998), North (1994), Jack Frost (1998), Psycho (1998), A League of Their Own (1992), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Patch Adams (1998), My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997), Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), You’ve Got Mail (1998), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Graveyard Shift (1990), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), Striptease (1996), Indecent Proposal (1993), My Girl 2 (1994), The Ghost and the Darkness (1996), Poison Ivy (1996), Body of Evidence (1993), Turbulence (1997), Fatal Instinct (1993), True Romance (1993), Newsies (1992), Contact (1997), The Pelican Brief (1993), Natural Born Killers (1994), Shakespeare in Love (1998), A Perfect Murder (1998), Quigley Down Under (1990), Of Mice and Men (1992),Friday (1995), Mannequin on the Move (1991), She’s All That (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Stay Tuned (1992), Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Wagons East (1994), In the Line of Fire (1993), Postcards from the Edge (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Passenger 57 (1992), Mo’ Better Blues (1990), The Client (1994), Good Will Hunting (1997), Pump Up the Volume (1990), Mr. Nanny (1993), Fargo (1996), Hudson Hawk (1991), So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).