Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Tonight the movie train chugs on and this time it is the turn of…

*Rolls dice*

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)

I’ll level with you. I’m still not feeling well, so instead of looking for something interesting to watch, tonight I’ve picked the first ’90s movie I came across on Amazon Prime Video.

Yep, that just happened to be Lawnmower Man 2!

The good news: I’ve previously watched Lawnmower Man, so I know what I’m in for with the sequel.

The bad news: I’ve previously watched Lawnmower Man, so I know what I’m in for with the sequel.

*Clicks the play button*

30secs – Hmm… starting with a recap of the final moments of Lawnmower Man (minus any footage of Pierce Brosnan). Is it really a good idea to remind people of what came before? REALLY?! Haven’t we suffered enough?

2mins – The movie is advertised on Amazon Prime Video as Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, but according to the on-screen text the film is called Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe’s War. I can’t say either title is great. Why not just call it Lawnmower Man 2?

2mins 45secs – A little explanation here as to why the Lawnmower Man doesn’t look like Jeff Fahey anymore – apparently his face has been reconstructed to look like Matt Frewer.

8mins – From what I know about this movie (which is pretty much nothing), only one actor from the original movie returned for this sequel and I think that was kid actor, Austin O’Brien. Poor bastard.

10mins 45secs – Austin O’Brien has entered cyberspace. It looks nothing like the internet. Where are all the pop-ups? Where is all the porn?

13mins 30secs – Austin O’Brien and Matt Frewer have just met up and hugged. I’m not quite sure how O’Brien recognises him… as the last time they met, Frewer was Jeff Fahey!

14mins – According to this movie, cyberspace in the ’90s looks like real life. For those of us who remember what cyberspace was actually like in the ’90s it was like this…

I can still hear the dial-up tone.

14mins 45secs – Oh dear, someone has just used the phrase ‘jacked out’ to talk about exiting cyberspace. Who says that? Even back during the ’90s, who said that?!

15mins – I don’t want anyone jacking in, jacking out or jacking off anywhere near me.

20mins – Is that Patrick Bergin?

21mins – Oh Patrick, you’re too good for this movie.

21mins 20secs – To be fair, I’m too good for this movie.

28mins – Matt Frewer is cranking out his inner Jim Carrey in this scene. It’s like watching a watered down version of the Riddler.

29mins – That’s not an insult to Frewer. I like Frewer. It’s just, his shtick is very much Carrey-lite.

30mins – I’m 30 minutes in and this film is just tosh.

*Yawn*

32mins – So, a little story recap for anyone fortunate enough to have never seen this movie, but unfortunate enough to have come across this post:

Matt Frewer is trapped in a lame-ass sequel cyberspace and he’s not happy about it. Or maybe he is. It’s not really clear. Either way, he’s currently at virtual loggerheads with Patrick Bergin, who is fighting him through cyberspace!

Excited?

Didn’t think so.

42mins – Was this film released in 3D? It looks like the sort of movie that would be released in 3D.

45mins – Jeez, now it’s starting to look like a Pet Shop Boys video!

45mins 10secs – Oh wait, that is a Pet Shop Boys video! I must have switched on YouTube by mistake!

46mins – I kind of wish I was watching a Pet Shop Boys video now.

47mins – I kind of wish I was watching anything other than Lawnmower Man 2.

57mins – Almost an hour into this movie and I’m damned if I know what’s going on. Matt Frewer has spent a lot of time sitting in a chair and Patrick Bergin has been running around a series of nondescript corridors.

58mins – Is this what death is like? Watching Patrick Bergin running around nondescript corridors?

1hr 10mins – This movie is so boring. Even Matt Frewer looks bored beyond belief. I can only presume he was forced to watch parts of the movie during filming.

1hr 11mins 30secs – Patrick Bergin: “People need hope.”

Yes they do, Patrick. They need hope that this film will be over soon.

Or that death will be swift.

1hr 16mins – There’s approximately 17 minutes left on the running time of this film. This is going to be the longest 17 minutes ever.

1hr 20mins – As bad as the original Lawnmower Man was, at least it retained a certain charm. This is basically 90 minutes of dicking about.

1hr 21mins – Just over ten minutes to go (not that I’m counting) and the big showdown is taking place. It’s Bergin V Frewer. Who will win? Who will get to wield the lawnmower? WHO CARES?!

1hr 24mins – If I was to die right now, it wouldn’t be the worse thing to happen to me today.

1hr 26mins – Matt Frewer has been defeated.

1hr 27mins – I think I’ve been defeated too. If I wasn’t feeling ill before I put on this movie, I sure am now!

1hr 28mins – It’s over!

*Clicks stop*

Shit.

Just shit.

Arguably one of the worst sequels ever – and bear in mind I’ve watched Highlander II: The Quickening!

A yawn-inducing story, with lacklustre special effects, a cast that clearly have better things to be doing and no spark of originality.

I’ll say it again – shit!

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Sudden Death (1995), Balto (1995), Another 48 Hours (1990), What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? (1993), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Reservoir Dogs (1992)Flubber (1997)The Big Lebowski (1998)FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)Free Willy (1993)The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996)Air Bud (1997)Robin Hood (1991)Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (1999)Hercules and Xena: The Battle for Mount Olympus (1998)Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story (1993)Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)F/X2: The Deadly Art of Illusion (1991)Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999)Showgirls (1995)American History X (1998)North (1994)Jack Frost (1998)Psycho (1998)A League of Their Own (1992)Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)Patch Adams (1998)My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)You’ve Got Mail (1998)Sleepless in Seattle (1993)Graveyard Shift (1990)Johnny Mnemonic (1995)Striptease (1996) Indecent Proposal (1993)My Girl 2 (1994)The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)Poison Ivy (1996)Body of Evidence (1993)Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992),Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993) Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).