Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.
I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.
The rules are as follows:
- The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
- The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before
Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…
Since I started working my way through all of these previously unseen ’90s movies I’ve ticked off many of the big… erm… ‘erotically charged’ films of the decade, including Body of Evidence (1993), Indecent Proposal (1993) and Striptease (1996). Today I tackle the biggest one of them all – Showgirls!
There’s no big preamble for this one – I’ve not watched Showgirls before because it’s notoriously cack. But, being notoriously cack does not put me off finally watching this movie – I’m made of stern stuff.
*Checks running time*
Right, let’s just get on with this.
*Clicks the play button*
2seconds – The roaring lion on the MGM logo has just popped up. The lion isn’t wearing any clothes. I presume this is foreshadowing what’s to come.
1min 50secs – I do hope Elizabeth Berkley won an award for her acting in this film. Her bad acting. It’s off the scale and she’s only said one line.
4mins – You know, if I came across this movie on TV and I didn’t know it was Showgirls, I’d just presume it was one of the Saved by the Bell TV movies. The one where Jessie went to Vegas to become a stripper.
9mins 30secs – Boobs!
11mins – More boobs!
11mins 30secs – Wow – a full-on, all-singing all-dancing choreographed boob-a-rama!
15mins – “You don’t know shit!” Oh dear, Elizabeth Berkley has just cranked her (bad) acting level up to an eleven. Can it go any higher? I think it can.
21mins – Oh look – comedy boobs!
24mins – Berkley is performing a dance routine. I think it’s supposed to be a sexy dance routine. I suppose it’s alright. I mean, it’s no lambada that’s for sure.
24mins 40secs – Berkley boobs! We have Berkley boobs!
29mins – More Berkley boobs.
29mins 30secs – I’m going to hazard a guess here and presume this movie was a big rental hit back in ’95 – after Batman Forever of course. I mean, who wants Berkley boobs when you can have Bat-nipples?!
30mins – But in all seriousness (I can’t believe I’m saying “in all seriousness” while watching Showgirls), this film must have been popular on the small screen – I can’t imagine many people going to see this at the cinema.
35mins – Berkley is at a posh store buying an expensive dress. She can afford it now because she’s finally earned decent money… from stripping! See kids, stripping is better than working in an office. Actually, it probably is. You earn more money and you don’t have to constantly put your hand in your pocket to chip in for someone’s leaving/birthday/wedding/divorce present.
35mins 30secs – The more I watch this film, the more I’m convinced I am watching a Saved by the Bell TV movie. A really, really dark TV movie. After getting addicted to caffeine pills, Jessie is forced to strip so she can pay for her addiction.
36mins – Boobs, boobs and more boobs. From this point on, if I don’t mention boobs just presume that boobs are popping up (and popping out) every few minutes. I’m getting repetitive strain injury from typing the word ‘boobs’.
41mins – “OK, show me your tits.” Er.. just rewind the movie, mate and re-watch the last 41 minutes – it’s wall-to-wall tits!
48mins – “You got into some bad shit someplace, didn’t you?” I’m telling you, it was the caffeine pills!
55mins – “I don’t have any family.” Presumably, Zack, Kelly, Slater, Screech and Lisa have all stopped calling.
1hr 5mins – I’m at the halfway point of this movie and boy, is it boring! I almost feel like everyone involved in this film realised that no one would watch it at the cinema and those watching it on VHS would only get through the first 20 minutes (repeatedly) so the story just drops off.
1hr 5mins 20secs – Did anyone who rented this movie back in ’95 ever got past this point of the film? Anyone?
1hr 6mins – It’s fine if you want to admit to renting this movie. We’ve all rented bad movies. I once rented Honest – the 2000 British gangster movie starring the Appleton sisters. Remember that one? No? Of course you don’t – it was pure bobbins.
1hr 7mins – My husband is at work while I’m watching this movie. He’s just text me to ask me if Showgirls is “a musical or a crap ’90s film?” I think he’s confusing Showgirls with Dreamgirls (2006).
1hr 15mins – Some creepy men are hitting on Elizabeth Berkley. It’s just one of the many examples of #MeToo in this film. This could be an important message if it wasn’t hidden in a story clearly aimed at teenage boys and men with the ability to switch off the VCR player when their wives coming down the stairs.
1hr 27mins – Bizarre sex scene alert! Bizarre sex scene alert! Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan are doing it in a pool and it’s all very weird… and not entirely sanitary. I do hope they clean the pool after this.
1hr 35mins – I’m not entirely sure what’s going on right now. I momentarily took my eyes off the screen to read about Saved by the Bell – specifically the character, Tori – and I’ve now lost track of what’s going on in this movie! I presume I’ve only missed some boobs.
1hr 36mins – On a side note, you should read up on Tori (as played by Leanna Creed) and learn how and why she became part of the Saved by the Bellcast. It has nothing to do with Showgirls, but it is a much better use of your time than watching this crap.
1hr 44mins – I’m one-hour-and-44 minutes into Showgirls and the boobs are just never ending. Seriously, who needs to see this many boobs? WHO?! Surely the people who need to see this amount of boobs have now gone blind from seeing this amount of boobs! In fact, if you’re struggling to read these words it’s because you’ve seen too many boobs! You know who you are.
1hr 53mins – Ohhh… plot development – Elizabeth Berkley’s past has just been revealed. Apparently her past has nothing to do with caffeine pills, AC Slater or Mr. Belding.
1hr 59mins – Elizabeth Berkley has just killed someone (I think). Lucky sod – he no longer has to put up with being a part of this tripe.
2hrs 1min – For all those who have made it to this point of the movie (and who haven’t worn out the video/gone blind) you are ‘rewarded’ with a same sex kiss. How lucky you must feel. Is this movie still on?
2hrs 3mins – And as the movie closes I can see that there is still at least another seven minutes of running time! WTF?! I guess this movie needs seven minutes of credits just to name check all of those boobs!
Badly acted with some terrible dialogue, Showgirls is just tosh of the highest order. Yet, still not as bad as the Madonna-starring, Body of Evidence.
The only reason I can think this movie was made was simply so that two hours could be spent in the company of some T&A, without the need to film a porno. What a waste of time and money.
- Read: Part 54
For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: American History X (1998), North (1994), Jack Frost (1998), Psycho (1998), A League of Their Own (1992), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Patch Adams (1998), My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997), Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), You’ve Got Mail (1998), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Graveyard Shift (1990), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), Striptease (1996), Indecent Proposal (1993), My Girl 2 (1994), The Ghost and the Darkness (1996), Poison Ivy (1996), Body of Evidence (1993), Turbulence (1997), Fatal Instinct (1993), True Romance (1993), Newsies (1992), Contact (1997), The Pelican Brief (1993), Natural Born Killers (1994), Shakespeare in Love (1998), A Perfect Murder (1998), Quigley Down Under (1990), Of Mice and Men (1992),Friday (1995), Mannequin on the Move (1991), She’s All That (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Stay Tuned (1992), Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Wagons East (1994), In the Line of Fire (1993), Postcards from the Edge (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Passenger 57 (1992), Mo’ Better Blues (1990), The Client (1994), Good Will Hunting (1997), Pump Up the Volume (1990), Mr. Nanny (1993), Fargo (1996), Hudson Hawk (1991), So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).