Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.

I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.

The rules are as follows:

  • The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
  • The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before

Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…

North (1994)

I remember back in ’94, when I would have been around 13,  I saw a trailer for North and I remember thinking, ‘this looks like a fun movie that I wouldn’t mind watching’. That thought lasted for a split second, because 24 years later I’ve never had any real desire to watch this movie.

Is it because I’ve been busy? No, it’s because North is supposed to be awful.

By all accounts, North is a terrible movie. I have no idea what it’s about, all I know is that Rob Reiner directed this picture and it stars Bruce Willis and Elijah Wood.

Am I about to put myself through yet another terrible movie?

Yeah, probably. 

Ah well, here goes.

*Clicks the play button*

4mins – Elijah Wood has popped up on screen and for some bizarre reason, Bruce Willis is narrating the tale. I feel like I’m watching an episode of The Wonder Years.

8mins – Bruce Willis is speeding through the dialogue here. Is his car double parked or something? He seems to be on a mission to get through this. 

8mins 30secs – Bruce Willis is dressed as a pink rabbit. Is this real? Is this part of the film or am I having some kind of episode (again)? Come to think of it, I did swig some sangria before I sat down to watch this. Perhaps I’m partially drunk.

8mins 40secs – What? Swigging sangria on a Tuesday evening does not mean I have a problem. I’ve had a hard day/week/month/year.* (*please delete as applicable).

15mins – Jon Lovitz! Jon Lovitz is in this!

16mins – More movies should feature Jon Lovitz. With less narration from Bruce Willis.

17mins – I have no idea what is going on. Everyone seems to be talking fast. Did I press the fast-forward button by mistake?

*Checks the remote*

18mins – Nope. Maybe it is the sangria after all.

19mins – OK, so I think I’m getting the gist of things here. Elijah Wood has just divorced his parents. I don’t really understand why – I’m still trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is narrating this movie – but he has. Either way, Elijah Wood is parentless and is off to travel the world in search of new guardians.

21mins – Oh sweet jeez… Dan Aykroyd has just turned up. Oh Dan, what are you doing? You could have been making Ghostbusters 3 back in 1994 instead of appearing in this shit. 

22mins 30secs – Bruce Willis is back again – this time he’s dressed like a cowboy. Why?

30mins – Realising that Dan Aykroyd is not the right father figure for him, Elijah Wood is off on another parent search, this time taking him to Hawaii.

35mins – Bruce Willis is back again, this time as… er… a tourist? 

36mins – Oh, and Willis is narrating again. Bloody hell, he must have swallowed up the budget on this film. He’s everywhere! 

39mins – Elijah Wood is off to Alaska now. Well, I say Alaska. This is clearly a sound stage with fake snow. But no worries, I’ll do my best to buy into the illusion. There’s nothing that can ruin this illusion for me. Nothing…

39mins 50secs – BLOODY HELL! Is that Kathy Bates pretending to be Alaskan?!? Blimey. Yeah, I’m not sure I can get on board this.

44mins 20secs – Bruce Willis is back (again), playing… oh WHO CARES?!

44mins 30secs – This is such a rubbish film. Who agreed to this? Who thought this would be a good idea? Who chucked money at this project? 

*Shakes head repeatedly*

56mins – John Ritter is in this film. Even John Ritter can’t save this movie from being dire.

57mins – If I had paid to see this at the cinema back in 1994 I would have requested my money back. 

57mins 10secs – Oh, who am I trying to kid? I didn’t have money for cinema tickets when I was 13. 

1hr – The year that Bruce Willis was appearing in this turkey he was also appearing in Pulp Fiction (1994). Let that sink in.

1hr 7mins – Willis is now playing a character called Joey Fingers. I don’t even want to know where he got that name from. Maybe he’s a pianist. 

1hr 10mins – Time is running out for Elijha Wood who needs to find new parents before… er… my patience wears out with this movie?

1hr 20mins – So, after an hour and twenty minutes, it turns out this has all been a dream? Really? REALLY?

1hr 20mins 5secs – A DREAM?!

1hr 20mins 10secs – More like a bloody nightmare.

*Clicks stop*

Crap.

Just crap.

Rob Reiner has made some great movies (The Princess Bride, This is Spinal Tap) but this isn’t one them.

Let’s never speak of North ever again.

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Jack Frost (1998),  Psycho (1998)A League of Their Own (1992)Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)Patch Adams (1998)My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)You’ve Got Mail (1998)Sleepless in Seattle (1993)Graveyard Shift (1990)Johnny Mnemonic (1995)Striptease (1996) Indecent Proposal (1993)My Girl 2 (1994)The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)Poison Ivy (1996)Body of Evidence (1993)Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992),Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997),Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993) Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).