Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.
I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.
The rules are as follows:
- The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
- The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before
Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…
Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
Let’s keep this one simple: Johnny Mnemonic is supposed to be awful. Truly terrible. In 1995, when the movie hit cinema screens I had no desire to watch a critically mauled movie. As the years have progressed my interest level in this film has dropped off even further.
It’s now 2018 and having recently watched the likes of Wagon’s East (1994), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), Body of Evidence (1993), and Striptease (1996) I feel like I’m ready for Johnny Mnemonic. Heck, it can’t be any worse, can it?
*Clicks the play button*
1min 40secs – The movie opens in 2021, in the internet. For some reason the internet is composed of digits and poor CGI, rather than click-bait, stories about Donald Trump and numerous cat videos.
3mins 30secs – Udo Kier has turned up! I love Udo Kier.
8mins – Apparently, the future is filled with bad acting, neon lights and mini discs. I’m not sure this is a future I can get on board.
10mins 30secs – So, my understanding of this movie so far is that Keanu Reeves has the ability to store and carry information in his head – kind of like a USB stick. Uploading information into his head seems rather traumatic and involves a lot of gurning. It begs the question, why bother?
12mins – Following an intense upload, Keanu has now just asked to use the toilet. I presume we’re about to witness a data dump.
14mins – In the future, everyone wears suits. I suppose it’s good to know that even if the world has gone to hell, Dolce & Gabbana is still in business.*
*Other suit manufacturers are available.
22mins – I love how back in the 1990s, film makers thought the future would all be about shady black market deals, trading information and cyber implants, rather than someone sat in their bedroom posting shitty comments on TripAdvisor while illegally downloading Moana.
25mins 30secs – Ice-T has just turned up. Between Johnny Mnemonic and Tank Girl, Ice-T was pretty busy in 1995… appearing in bad films.
25mins 40secs – Yes, I’ve just said that Tank Girl is a bad movie – I know this will anger all the Tank Girl fans out there. Both of you are going to leave me some nasty comments below, aren’t you?
29mins – Udo Kier is trying to get his hands on all of the data that’s stored within Keanu Reeves. Oh dear, I hope they don’t corrupt his dongle.
31mins – Oh, well, it’s all gone wrong… and Udo Kier has just been killed. He was bumped off by someone wielding a laser whip. Yeah, they have laser whips in the future. Laser whips totally shit all over laser pens. I’ve got to get me one of these.
37mins – Keanu Reeves is explaining how he managed to make room in his head for all this excess data. Apparently, he erased all of the memories he had relating to his childhood. Here was me thinking that he’d simply erased all of his acting skills.
43mins – Oh bloody hell, Dolph Lundgren has just turned up in a rather unconvincing wig. He looks like an extra from Hair.
53mins – Keanu Reeves has all this data downloaded into his head, but doesn’t actually know what it is. Everyone is presuming it’s something valuable. I’d love it if it turns out that someone has simply downloaded every episode of Murder She Wrote and is using Reeves as an external hard drive.
58mins – Apparently it’s not episodes of Murder She Wrote that’s in Keanu’s head (shame), it’s actually details of a cure for Nerve Attenuation Syndrome (NAS) – a condition related to an over dependence of tech. Is NAS today’s equivalent of getting addicted to Candy Crush? If so, I hope that someone will be able to get the cure out of Keanu’s head. If they do, then maybe people will finally STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS ON FACEBOOK! I don’t care if you need my help to level up.
1hr 5mins – I wish you could all witness the acting that’s coming out of Keanu Reeves right now. Keanu, I love you, but this is pretty bad.
1hr 6mins – Keanu Reeves: “I want a $10,000 a night hooker.” Jeez, are future hookers really charging $10,000 a night? Bloody hell – I guess that’s inflation for you. I’d hate to think what Starbucks is charging for coffee.
1hr 16mins – Stuff is happening. Gunfire, explosions, more bad acting… and there’s a whale in a water tank. Why? I don’t know – just because.
1hr 16mins 30secs – It might actually be a dolphin. I’ll be honest, I missed what was going on. I was distracted by Keanu’s acting.
1hr 21mins – The movie is almost over and only now am I questioning who’s bright idea it was to download information into someone’s head? Considering what’s on the internet, is this really a wise idea? Also, who put Dolph Lundgren in a wig?
1hr 23mins – Speaking of Dolph Lundgren, has his role been edited down? He doesn’t seem to be in this movie much. I’m aware that a longer version of this movie exists (I pity the poor people who have endured more of this crap), so did Lundgren feature more in the extended cut? Either way, he’s just been killed off.
1hr 24mins – It’s just been confirmed, it is a dolphin in this movie… just in case you were wondering.
1hr 29mins – With Dolph Lundgren dead (even though he didn’t really do anything), Ice-T and that random Dolphin have managed to get all the information out of Keanu’s head. Suddenly Keanu is able to remember his childhood. He seems pleased that he can recall his past. Maybe in the future, if he needs to make more room in his head, he’ll simply erase all his memories of starring in Johnny Mnemonic. I would.
What a pile of toss. Johnny Mnemonic isn’t the worst film in the world, it’s just not very good.
Watching the film I felt very bored. There’s nothing particularly exciting about the movie and ultimately it’s instantly forgettable.
What was I talking about?
Oh yes, Johnny Mnemonic. I was right to avoid this in 1995. I should have avoided it in 2018 too.
But seriously, what was going on with Dolph Lundgren’s wig?
- Read: Part 41
For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Striptease (1996), Indecent Proposal (1993), My Girl 2 (1994), The Ghost and the Darkness (1996), Poison Ivy (1996), Body of Evidence (1993), Turbulence (1997), Fatal Instinct (1993), True Romance (1993), Newsies (1992), Contact (1997), The Pelican Brief (1993), Natural Born Killers (1994), Shakespeare in Love (1998), A Perfect Murder (1998), Quigley Down Under (1990), Of Mice and Men (1992), Friday (1995), Mannequin on the Move (1991), She’s All That (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Stay Tuned (1992), Murder at 1600 (1997), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Wagons East (1994), In the Line of Fire (1993), Postcards from the Edge (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Passenger 57 (1992), Mo’ Better Blues (1990), The Client (1994), Good Will Hunting (1997), Pump Up the Volume (1990), Mr. Nanny (1993), Fargo (1996), Hudson Hawk (1991), So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).