Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.

I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.

The rules are as follows:

  • The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
  • The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before

Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…

Striptease (1996)

In the last edition of 90 from the ’90s I watched the movie, Indecent Proposal (1993), which starred Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore. I figured it made sense to keep the Demi Moore theme going into this afternoon’s unseen ’90s movie, so I’ve opted to watch Striptease.

Yes, yes, it is true, I’ve never watched Striptease.

In fact, I’ve not watched many of the famous ‘sexy’ movies from the 1990s. I hadn’t seen Body of Evidence (1993) until about two weeks ago; I hadn’t seen Indecent Proposal until earlier this week; and I haven’t seen Striptease – until now.

As mentioned previously, I was a little too young for these movies when they first hit cinema screens – oh and also a little too homosexual. Yeah, the idea of watching these films just didn’t appeal to my teenage self.

So, 22 years on from its debut, will Striptease have me begging for more? Or will it leave me feeling used up and kinda dirty?

Well, now’s the perfect time to find out.

*Clicks the play button*

1min – OK, so… Demi Moore is a former secretary for the FBI. She’s lost her job because of her ex-husband, who happens to be Robert Patrick, and she’s now about to lose custody of her kid. Is this really Striptease, or is this an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show?

1min 10secs – Nah, can’t be an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show – Demi Moore has far too many teeth.

2mins – Here comes Burt Reynolds and he’s on the lookout for “poon-tang”. His words, not mine. I presume poon-tang is the name of a Chinese restaurant. Maybe he’s hungry.

6mins – Oh… six minutes in and we have boobs on screen. I think this is going to be the theme of this movie.

8mins – Demi Moore is stripping. I think this is where most of the budget went on this movie. Didn’t she get paid something like $12 million to strip for this film? That’s $6 million a boob. I’d have done it for less. A lot less. Call me.

10mins 30secs – Her routine just got interrupted by a drunk guy.

11mins – Moore is now being replaced on stage by a woman dressed as a cat. I’m not sure if this is another stripping routine, or she’s doing some kind of am dram performance.

16mins – Moore is back on stage (not sure what happened to cat lady).

18mins 40secs – The boobs are out. I repeat: The boobs are out. This is the money shot.  I guess this is also the moment where many people stopped watching the movie. In fact, has anyone watched past this part of the film? Any heterosexual males want to raise their hand? Er… the other hand.

25mins – For some reason, the director/costume dept has decided to make Burt Reynolds look like Marlon Brando in Superman: The Movie. I have no idea why. It’s uncanny.

Brando Superman Reynolds Striptease

25mins 30secs – Did Jor-El like to frequent Kryptonian strip joints? Is that what he was doing while Krypton was dying?

35mins – Back at the strip club… boobs!

39mins 30secs – More boobs… and a python?

40mins – Maybe I’m missing something here, but what is sexy about someone dancing with a snake? Is it the naked person that people find a turn on, or is it the snake? More importantly, does the snake get a cut of the tips? Is there a lot of work for snakes in the stripping industry? Asking for a friend.

42mins – Between taking her clothes off and trying not to laugh at Burt Reynolds’ ridiculous hair style, Demi Moore is very concerned about losing custody of her daughter to Robert Patrick. Apparently, Patrick’s day job is stealing wheelchairs. I have to ask – how do you steal a wheelchair? I get how you might be able to physically get away with a wheelchair (you push it), but how do you actually steal one from someone? Wouldn’t there be a person in the chair? How do they not notice that you’re stealing the chair from them?!

42mins 30secs – I’m probably focusing on the wrong things in this movie.

45mins – Oh look – boobs!

47mins – For some reason, every time Demi Moore strips, she does it to an Annie Lennox song. Hmm… does Moore strip because she’s listening to an Annie Lennox track or does an Annie Lennox track play because Moore is stripping?

48mins – I’m not sure what musical artist I’d choose as the soundtrack to my stripping career.

48mins 10secs – That’s not to say I’m planning on starting a stripping career. I have enough trouble putting socks on, let alone taking them off. But it’s something I could consider for the right price. And the right snake.

48mins 30secs – Rick Astley. I’d pick Rick Astley. I could totally unbutton my shirt to Never Gonna Give You Up. Failing that, something by Black Lace or Status Quo.

57mins 30secs – Oh, Moore is stripping again. Yeah, this film is totally not aimed at me. If you remove all of the stripping scenes, there’s really nothing else in this movie left to talk about. Well, except Burt Reynolds – and I don’t even know what the hell his character is all about.

1hr – Speaking about Burt Reynolds… he’s just turned up covered in Vaseline. I’m not making this up. Burt Reynolds is on screen, dressed in a leather waistcoat, boxer shorts, cowboy boots and a Stetson… while covered in Vaseline. WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING?! WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!

1hr 1min – Is this movie worse than Body of Evidence? I’d certainly say it’s no better.

1hr 15mins – Demi Moore: “Do you care for the artist formerly known as Prince?” Yeah I do, actually. Is it OK if I turn this shit off and pop Purple Rain on instead?

1hr 17mins – Demi Moore is stripping (again) and she’s got her boobs out (again). This film is nothing if not consistent.

1hr 22mins – The woman with the snake is back. She’s more entertaining than the cat lady. Speaking of which, where did the cat lady go?

1hr 22mins 30secs – Oh, a bit of drama – the snake is trying to choke the stripper. I wish the snake would choke me, then I could stop watching this bloody awful movie.

1hr 23mins – The snake is dead. Lucky bastard.

1hr 29mins – I’ll be honest, not only have I lost track of what’s going on, I also feel like I’ve lost control of my life. That said, here’s what I think is going on…

…Demi Moore is about to lose custody of her kid for good, unless she does… something.

Oh, look, I HAVE NO IDEA. Robert Patrick is dicking about; Burt Reynolds is being weird; Demi Moore is dancing to Annie Lennox (again); and Ving Rhames – yeah, I forgot to mention he is in this movie – is hanging around with a monkey! A MONKEY! WHY?!?!!?

ARRRRGHHHH!!!! THIS MOVIE IS SO BAD IT MAKES ME WANT TO GIVE UP WATCHING MOVIES FOR GOOD.

*Starts rocking from side to side*

1hr 42mins – I’ve been watching this film for almost two hours and I really don’t get the point of it. I’m also starting to think this is supposed to be a comedy. I mean, it’s not funny, but I think comedy is what it’s aiming for.

1hr 42mins 30secs – Of course, the only thing that’s comical is Burt Reynolds’ hair.

1hr 48mins – The movie is drawing to a close (thankfully) and there’s an argument over whether or not Demi Moore is a stripper or a dancer. I’d say she’s neither – she’s simply the only person smart enough to negotiate a $12 million fee for appearing in this shit.

1hr 52mins – The End. It actually says that on the screen, just to make it clear to anyone still watching that the horror is finally over.

*Clicks stop*

I have no idea how I’ve made it through Striptease. I also have no idea how I’ve reached this stage of my life, where I’ve spent a Saturday afternoon watching Striptease.

The movie should come with some kind of award for anyone who can make it from start to finish. At the very least, it should come with some kind of government health warning.

I still have no idea what was going on with Burt Reynolds’ hair, or why he was covered in Vaseline, but I find at this point it’s best not to question it. I think I need to rethink my life (again).

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Indecent Proposal (1993)My Girl 2 (1994)The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)Poison Ivy (1996)Body of Evidence (1993)Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992), Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993) Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).