Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.

I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.

The rules are as follows:

  • The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
  • The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before

Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…

Body of Evidence (1993)

As with most of these previously unseen ’90s movies, I know the bare minimum about Body of Evidence other than the fact it stars Madonna and Willem Dafoe; it’s an erotic thriller; and I believe it’s supposed to be very, very bad.

Very bad.

As for the reasons I’ve not watched this movie, well firstly it came out in 1993, when I was 11/12, so it wasn’t the sort of movie I was watching back then. Secondly, with the exception of Dick Tracy (1990), which is a brilliant, yet flawed movie, I can’t say I care for films featuring Madonna or her… er… interesting brand of acting.

I’m using the word ‘acting’ very loosely here.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like Madonna’s music, but her acting… well, that’s something entirely different.

Right, as this is an erotic thriller I’m expecting bonking and bumping off. At the very least I expect to see a nipple or two.

*Clicks the play button*

1min 20secs – I hear a lot of groaning. Either someone’s having sex… or someone’s already familiar with Madonna’s level of acting.

1min 30secs – I see nipple clamps. Guess it must be sex then.

1min 35secs – Oh… *Averts eyes*

6mins – So, Madonna’s husband has died; people think Madonna did it and she’s currently trying to convince Willem Dafoe she’s innocent. Not sure why he’d care, but she seems very insistent.

6mins 10secs – Oh, he’s a lawyer. Well that makes sense. I just presumed she tells the same story to everyone. She wants him to represent her in court.

7mins 40secs – “Can you really screw someone to death?” No, but Madonna will act you into a coma.

9mins – Nine minutes in and Madonna’s acting is off the scale. There are few words to describe what I am seeing.

13mins – Madonna: “Have you ever seen animals make love?” Er… no, but I did see a couple of drunks doing it round the back of Wilkinson’s the once. It was lunchtime and they were going at it without a care in the world. Put me right off my steak bake.

13mins 30secs – Sex scene Number 2! This time Julianne Moore is going at it with Willem Dafoe. I think this scene is supposed to be sexy. This is indicated by the ‘sexy’ sax music playing in the background and not by the sex itself which is anything but sexy. Gotta love the sexy sax music.

25mins – Blimey, the case has gone to trial already. This movie doesn’t waste any time, does it?!

27mins 30secs – Willam Dafoe: “You just testified he likes unpleasant things.” He must love this movie then.

31mins – You know, I’m not sure I buy Willem Dafoe as a lawyer. To be honest, I don’t buy this movie either. How much did this cost?

*Looks up budget details online*

Bloody hell, this film cost $30 million to make! What the heck did the director spend this money on? Condoms! Someone should have let him know you can get them free at the sexual health clinic. So I’m told.

33mins – Oohh… close up on Madonna. She’s telling a story about a strawberry, while eating a strawberry. I think she’s trying to be sexy, with a strawberry. Personally I don’t find strawberries very sexy. Maybe if she was waving a Snickers bar around then I could get on board.

35mins – Yeah, she was totally trying to be sexy. She’s now coming onto Willem Dafoe.

35mins 30secs – And now she’s turned him down. Talk about giving off mixed signals.

39mins – Bloomin’ heck, this is confusing – they’re doing it now! Is this what foreplay was like before Tinder? Give someone the strawberry talk, then tell them to piss off, then bonk their brains out?!

40mins – Sex scene Number 3. This is getting exhausting.

41mins – Madonna: “Are you scared?” Er… no. I am a bit bored though.

41mins 30secs – Oh, the hot wax has come out. *Averts eyes again*

42mins – With the level of acting going on here I’m not quite sure if I’m watching a really bad movie or high budget soft porn movie?!

45mins – The sax music has been replaced by some kind of stringed instrument. Is that a mandolin?

48mins – Back in the courtroom… Willem Dafoe is talking sex. He’s obsessed.

51mins – Oh bloody hell, they’re at it again. Madonna and Willem Dafoe are now doing it in an underground car park. You’d be really pissed off if you came back to your car to find them doing it on your bonnet.

*Stops movie*

*Goes and makes a cheese sandwich*

*Plays a game of Mario Kart*

*Makes another cheese sandwich*

*Starts movie again*

56mins – Frank Langella has just turned up! Frank, what are you doing in this shit?! You played Skeletor, one of the greatest roles of your career. Of ANYONE’S career. Don’t degrade yourself with this.

1hr – Frank Langella is talking about having sex with Madonna. Once again, I think this is supposed to be erotic. It’s not.

1hr 1min – I’m so confused about this movie. So, let me get this straight: Madonna is a serial shagger and she goes around bonking men with dicky tickers and plying them with drugs in the hopes that they will have a heart attack? Really? That’s the plot of this movie?! If she wants to kill men with weak hearts she should just show them one of her movies.

1hr 5mins – Oh FFS, Madonna and Willem Dafoe are at it again. GET A ROOM! And no, an underground car park does not count as a room.

1hr 10mins – I just don’t get it – what is the point of this movie? I understand that Body of Evidence was made before the dawn of the internet, so this was about as close to a mucky movie as you could get without having to go into a backstreet shop, but who actually went to see this in the cinema? And why? Who thought, yeah, I can’t wait to take the wife to see a film where Madonna gets her boobs out for 90 minutes – I bet she’ll love that!

1hr 10mins 30secs – I presume this movie did very well on VHS. No doubt many of the tapes in the video rental store were worn out in certain places.

*Checks watch*

Is this movie still on?

*Makes another cheese sandwich*

1hr 20mins – The court case is still dragging on and even the judge looks bored. Trust me love, you don’t know what bored is. You’ve not sat through 80 minutes of this tripe.

1hr 23mins – There are a lot of close ups of Madonna’s face in this movie. Was this in her contract? Shoot her from the neck down during the nude scenes, but from the neck up at all other times.

1hr 26mins – “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?” Yeah, this movie’s shit.

1hr 31mins – So Madonna is innocent, but now she’s been shot – three times. Oh and she’s fallen out of a window. And she’s dead. Why? Honestly, I have no idea AND I DON’T CARE!

1hr 32mins – The police have turned up to arrest someone for something… for some reason. The charge? Crimes against cinema.

*Clicks stop*

Jeez… that was bad. Not as bad as say, Wagons East, Weekend at Bernie’s II or Hudson Hawk, but bad nonetheless.

The film is basically a porno. A legitimate porno – but a porno plain and simple. And that’s fine, but I’m not sure why the director or the studio spent $30 million on this. Surely, the film could have been shot on a fifth of the budget and with a third of the running time.

Heck, why even a third? It only takes five minutes, right guys?

The closest movie I can compare this to is Basic Instinct (1992), but that’s doing a disservice to Basic Instinct which is a decent movie. Nah, this is more like Sliver (1993), which is also bobbins.

A steaming pile of crap. I shall never watch this again.

*Goes back to the fridge to see if there’s any more cheese*

For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Turbulence (1997)Fatal Instinct (1993)True Romance (1993)Newsies (1992)Contact (1997)The Pelican Brief (1993)Natural Born Killers (1994)Shakespeare in Love (1998)A Perfect Murder (1998)Quigley Down Under (1990)Of Mice and Men (1992), Friday (1995)Mannequin on the Move (1991)She’s All That (1999)Double Dragon (1994)Stay Tuned (1992)Murder at 1600 (1997), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993)My Own Private Idaho (1991)Wagons East (1994)In the Line of Fire (1993)Postcards from the Edge (1990)Universal Soldier (1992)Passenger 57 (1992)Mo’ Better Blues (1990)The Client (1994)Good Will Hunting (1997)Pump Up the Volume (1990)Mr. Nanny (1993) Fargo (1996)Hudson Hawk (1991)So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).