Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.
I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.
The rules are as follows:
- The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
- The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before
Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…
Double Dragon (1994)
Last night I went to the cinema to watch video game-turned-movie adaptation, Rampage. This morning it seems appropriate to follow-up the game-to-movie theme with Double Dragon. And yes, I am aware how notoriously bad this movie is.
The reason I’ve never seen this film before is because I’m aware of how poor it is. But of course, as I clearly hate myself I am about to experience Double Dragon for the first (and probably last) time.
I know next to nothing about the story, but I did play the Double Dragon game when I was younger.
Right, here goes…
*Clicks the play button*
30secs – The film begins with a voice over to set up the story. I’m 30 seconds in and already this seems like a pile of crap. And wait… is that Robert Patrick doing the voice over? Is Robert Patrick in this?
1min 15secs – The voice over is done and the scene opens. ‘Somewhere in China’ has just flashed up on screen. Ha! I love that it’s just ‘somewhere’ and not an actual place.
3mins – This movie is set in 2007 and yes, that was Robert Patrick doing the voice over. He’s just popped up on screen looking like a cross between MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. I can’t take him seriously.
4mins – So, the main crux of this film is the search for a missing medallion. I’m four minutes into a 1hr 35min film and I feel like this plot point isn’t going to be developed much further. I mean, I could be wrong…
6mins – The two leads are being introduced: Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf. You might remember Mark Dacascos from the short-lived Crow TV show, The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. As for Scott Wolf, he’s perhaps best known for his role in the show, Party of Five.
8mins 30secs – George Hamilton has cameoed. As has Andy Dick.
16mins – The last five minutes has consisted of an elaborate car chase. Well… I say elaborate. Replace the word ‘elaborate’ and insert the word ‘crap’. Then, replace the words ‘car chase’ with ‘drive about town’ and you will have some kind of idea as to what I’ve just watched.
16mins 30secs – Scott Wolf (to Mark Dacascos): “My whole life just flashed before my eyes.” Mine too! And I’ve just wasted 16 minutes and 30 seconds of it on this shit.
18mins – Alyssa Milano is in this? Who knew?
28mins – I’m sorry, but I’m really struggling to take Robert Patrick seriously in this movie. Don’t get me wrong, I love Robert Patrick, but what the hell is he doing in this film?
29mins – I’m also very confused about the overall tone of this movie. One moment the film tries to be a mix of Mad Max & RoboCop; the next it’s 3 Ninjas and Mr. Nanny.
31mins – Just when you thought Double Dragon couldn’t get any worse, the big monster-type villain has turned up (see picture above) looking like a dog turd. An actual dog turd. Who the hell signed off on this?
I need to look up who wrote and directed this crap.
*Checks out the Double Dragon Wikipedia page*
So, James Nickson (James Yukich) directed Double Dragon and the story was written by Neal Shusterman and… oh… Paul Dini! WHAT?! Surely not THE Paul Dini?
*Looks further into it*
Bloody hell, it is THE Paul Dini. One of the best animation/comic book writers (ever) co-wrote the story for this shit?! Wow. I feel like my whole life has been a lie.
*Pauses movie again*
Paul Dini? Seriously?!
*Unpauses movie again*
38mins – Michael Berryman has just appeared on screen.
41mins – Oh jeez, that dog turd villain has just popped up again. Go home dog turd villain, you suck!
48mins – A speed boat chase is now in full swing… across a flammable river! A FLAMMABLE RIVER. What are the odds of that?
54mins – Turd guy is back. Ugh…. MAKE IT STOP.
57mins – Alyssa Milano has just compared the turd guy to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Oh no. Oh no, girl – you couldn’t be more wrong. He ain’t no Stay Puft the Marshmallow Man. He’s Stay Shit the No-budget Man.
1hr 10mins – The last ten minutes have been a blur. I feel as if I’ve just stared at the screen in a daze. This is what Double Dragon does to you. Forget drugs. Forget under-age drinking. Double Dragon is the thing you should warn your kids about.
1hr 14mins – A big fight scene is currently taking place and… I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t even begin to describe how bad this is.
1hr 15mins – Stay Shit the No-budget Man is back on screen and he’s crying. I think we’re supposed to feel sorry for him. To be honest, I do feel sorry for him; but not because he looks like a turd burger, but because he’s associated himself with Double Dragon. Poor bastard.
1hr 18mins – In-joke alert! Mark Dacascos has just high-kicked his foot straight through a Double Dragon arcade machine. Well, it was about time. For the past 1 hour 18 minutes he’s smashed his way through the dreams of all the kids out there hoping for a good Double Dragon movie.
1hr 21mins – The big showdown is about to take place between Mark Dacascos, Scott Wolf and Robert Patrick. Only… Robert Patrick has just morphed into two demon creatures that are clearly not Robert Patrick. Well played, Robert Patrick. Well played.
1hr 22mins – Oh, and this big showdown is shit.
1hr 23mins – Scott Wolf (to Mark Dacascos): “Let’s do some damage.” Er… I think you did that to your career when you signed up to appear in this movie.
1hr 28mins – Robert Patrick has been arrested, all is right again and presumably Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos have fired their agents.
Well, that was awful – and not in a ‘it’s so bad, it’s kind of good’ way. The film really does live up to its reputation of being just rubbish. That said, I can sort of imagine this was one of those movies that you would watch as a kid (probably during the summer holidays) and you’d kind of enjoy it.
Nah, scratch that. It’s just rubbish.
19 down; 71 to go.
For past entries in the 90 from the ’90s series, check out: Stay Tuned (1992), Murder at 1600 (1997), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Waggons East (1994), In the Line of Fire (1993), Postcards from the Edge (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Passenger 57 (1992), Mo’ Better Blues (1990), The Client (1994), Good Will Hunting (1997), Pump Up the Volume (1990), Mr. Nanny (1993), Fargo (1996), Hudson Hawk (1991), So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993) and Timecop (1994).