Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.
I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.
The rules are as follows:
- The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
- The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before
Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…
Mr. Nanny (1993)
I’ve watched Suburban Commando (1991), Rocky III (1982), 3 Ninjas High Noon At Mega Mountain and far too many episodes of TV shows Thunder in Paradise and Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling than I really should admit to, but I’ve never watched Mr. Nanny. There’s no real reason behind this omission – it’s just one of those things.
What do I know about Mr. Nanny?
I believe Hulk Hogan takes on the role of a children’s nanny and hilarity ensues. Sounds great. Let’s see if it lives up to that brief (possibly incorrect) description.
*Clicks the play button*
40secs – The name, Terry “Hulk” Hogan, flashes up on screen. What an opening.
2mins – So, Hogan is a former wrestler and now he’s a fisherman?
3mins – Sherman Hemsley has just turned up and he’s trying to convince Hulk Hogan to take on a new job. I’m guessing this will lead onto Hogan becoming a nanny. Actually, I might have this all wrong. Maybe Hulk Hogan is playing a person called ‘Mr. Nanny’. Like, Dave Nanny or something like that. The child minding thing might be totally incorrect.
6mins 45secs – A security guard has just called Hulk Hogan a “butt-head”. Shit is about to kick off.
7mins – Apparently, beating up a few security guards helps you to get a job as the head of security. See kids, violence does pay.
9mins – Hulk Hogan is wearing double denim. If anyone ever tells you not to wear double denim, tell them if it’s good enough for Hulk Hogan then it’s good enough for you. Hogan knows best.
10mins 30secs – So, Hogan is being hired to be a security guard and a nanny – that’s like two jobs! So, if you beat up security guards it also qualifies you as a child minder too. Who needs CRB checks when you can punch your way through references.
17mins – Hulk Hogan is now the nanny and has just been subjected to a series of booby traps set out by the kids he’s looking after. These traps include a bowling ball to the head (which strangely didn’t shatter his skull) and a bucket of cold water. By any chance, did the writer of this film happen to watch Home Alone before sitting down to pen this tale? More importantly, who would win in a fight: Kevin McCallister or Hulk Hogan? My money is on McCallister.
17mins 30secs – OK, plot development – the kids’ mum died (some years ago). So are we to believe this is why the kids are complete dickheads?
20mins 30secs – Hulk Hogan’s hair is very blond. Does he dye his hair or is it really that blond? It’s very, very blond.
24mins – These kids are making Hulk Hogan their bitch. I think it’s at this point in the movie where it becomes completely acceptable to see Hogan triple suplex the snot-nosed brats.
27mins – I think these kids are actually trying to kill Hogan.
28mins 30secs – A Hogan shower scene. I don’t know what’s more disturbing: The size of Hogan’s towel, the fact the kids have just electrocuted him or the fact that the kids just watched him take a shower? All three are pretty weird. Seriously, you should have seen the size of the towel. It was like a flannel.
35mins – I’ll tell you this now – this is a terrible film. I’m saying this a 36-year-old man who has seen a lot of bad films. I think if I’d watched this in 1993, I’d have said the same thing. Apart from the thing about being a 36-year-old man.
37mins – Jeez, 1993! I’ve only just realised – this film came out the same year as Jurassic Park. JURASSIC PARK! No wonder I didn’t watch this shite; I was too busy watching Sam Neill and Laura Dern running around with dinosaurs. Sorry, Hogan but dinos come first – EVERY TIME.
43mins – Hulk Hogan is now teaching one of the kids how to be a bad ass. This is what child minding should be about. Sod the alphabet, where did words ever get anyone?
53mins – A flashback! Hulk Hogan is wearing an amazing hairpiece. I can see why he doesn’t wear a wig more often though – it makes him look like Ric Flair.
1hr 1min 30secs – The ’90s was all about men getting in touch with their feminine side. Cue: Hulk Hogan in a tutu.
1hr 3mins – The bad guys are after the kids (why, I’ll never know) and this means it’s time for Hogan to kick some more ass!
1hr 4mins – Oh dear, Hogan seems to be getting his ass handed to him. This never would have happened in Suburban Commando.
1hr 8mins 25secs – FINALLY – Someone has slapped one of the kids. Give that man his own spin-off movie.
1hr 8mins 50secs – “But how, you’re just a wrestler?” Ten to one, that line was used in the trailer. I presume this movie had a trailer.
1hr 11mins – Hulk Hogan is on a boat. Have I some how switched over to an episode of Thunder in Paradise? Maybe if I wait long enough this will turn into Rocky III instead.
1hr 16mins – Hogan and the villain are fighting and Hogan’s losing. Oh wait, there’s a flashback to Hogan’s wrestling days and now he’s winning! Hogan’s got his mojo back. He’s also electrocuted the bad guy. Shocking!
1hr 19mins – “Raising kids is the toughest gig I know.” You’re not wrong, Hogan. You’re not wrong! Especially when they’re little shit bags like these kids. You should have drowned them in the pool when you had the chance.
1hr 19mins 40secs – “See you soon.” Jeez, I hope not.
1hr 20mins – And the movie ends on a freeze frame as the kids try to kill Hogan again. Did he survive? Who knows?
Well, that was utter crap.
It looked utter crap back in ’93 and 25 years on it’s still utter crap. I suppose not every movie can be Fargo (or even Timecop). Let’s pretend this whole thing never happened. I’m also going to pretend that the Hogan shower scene didn’t happen. Seriously, that towel was waaaaaay too small.
Five down; 85 to go.
- Read: Part #6