Welcome to 90 from the ‘90s; the movie-related post in which I watch, discuss and debate a film from the 1990s – a film that I’ve NEVER SEEN. Posting on a semi-regular basis, I aim to work my way through 90 movies that I’ve previously missed/avoided, recording my thoughts along the way.

I’m going to watch good films, bad films, forgotten classics, Oscar winners and everything in between. Some of these films you’ll be surprised I’ve never seen, others you’ll completely understand why I’ve avoided them for 20+ years.

The rules are as follows:

  • The film must be from the 1990s (1990-1999)
  • The film must be a movie I’ve not watched before

Today’s unseen ‘90s movie is…

Hudson Hawk (1991)

There’s a reason I’ve not watched Hudson Hawk at any point in the last 27 years – the movie has a very bad reputation. In fact, on the odd occasion I have noticed it crop up in the TV listings I’ve merely scoffed and thought, ‘yeah, I don’t think I’ll bother’.

My understanding of the movie – which of course could be wrong – is that Hudson Hawk is an action film, where Bruce Willis plays a sort-of thief. I remember this was supposed to be a big movie for him back in ’91, but it flopped spectacularly.

Let’s see what it’s all about.

*Clicks the play button*

1min – The film starts off with a period setting and a voice over discussing Leonardo da Vinci. I’ll be honest, back in 1991 the only Leonardo I would have wanted to know about ate pizza and lived in a sewer and he wasn’t da Vinci.

2mins – This is a TriStar Pictures movie. Jeez, TriStar were also behind yesterday’s movie, So I Married An Axe Murderer. Whoever was in charge of green lighting movies back then made a few bad choices.

5mins – Speaking of Leonardo, this period setting reminds me a little of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Not sure why? That film was set in ancient Japan. This film isn’t. Still… both are a bit shit.

6mins – I’m joking. I can’t say this film is shit based on just 6 minutes of watching it. I’ve got to give it at least 10 minutes before I make that comment.

7mins – So, Bruce Willis is on screen. I’m being led to believe he’s a master thief.

7mins 45secs – He’s just stolen some keys. He’s definitely a master thief.

11mins 30secs – Is that Frank Stallone?

15mins – Bruce Willis is about to pull off a heist. Now that I know he’s a master thief, I’m expecting some Danny Ocean style hijinks.

19mins – He’s singing! This classes as hijinks, right?

21mins – Is this actually Bruce Willis doing the singing? Did he have a CD out or something? Maybe a cassette? More importantly, who am I asking?

23mins 30secs – The heist was to steal something connected to Leonardo Da Vinci. This explains the opening scene.

24mins – Holy shit balls – a guy has just been killed in a fairly brutal way. This film was all sweetness and light a few moments ago, what with all the singing, yet now there’s blood and death.

26mins – Andie MacDowell has just turned up. I’d be more impressed if it wasn’t for the fact that John Savident has just appeared on screen too. John Savident! UK readers will know John for the role of Fred Elliott on soap opera, Coronation Street. Anyone reading this outside of the UK will have no idea what I’m on about. Either way, John Savident!

28mins 40secs – Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so Andie MacDowell has just turned up and… oh, Richard E. Grant has popped up. As has Sandra Bernhard. And an explosion has just gone off. Talk about overshadowing MacDowell’s big introduction.

31mins – Frank Stallone just got kicked in the face.

33mins 30secs – James Coburn has just turned up and he’s playing a character called George Kaplan. A little nod there to the excellent Alfred Hitchcock film, North By Northwest. Man, I wish I was watching North By Northwest.

38mins 30secs – A dog is currently gnawing on Bruce Willis’ nuts. I can only presume Willis was given two options: Watch Hudson Hawk or have your nuts gnawed on by a dog. He picked the better option.

42mins 30secs – Bruce Willis is trying to flirt with Andie MacDowell. This is painful to watch.

52mins 30secs – Ten minutes have elapsed since I last made a comment. In those ten minutes I’ve thought about what I’m having for my dinner. This film has had 52 minutes to grip me and so far, it’s failed. Just another 45 minutes to go. 45 minutes of thinking about what I’m having for dinner.

54mins – This is a very odd movie. One minute it tries to be quirky, the next funny, the next serious. Unfortunately, it’s struggling to do any of these things well and the result is Bruce Willis dicking about with gags that fall flat. Bruce, I love you in Die Hard, The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, but I’m really struggling here – help me out, will ya buddy?

57mins – Jeez, this is worse than The Kid – that crappy Bruce Willis/Disney movie that came out during the early ’00s.

1hr – The dog is now peeing on a car. The dog is the best thing about this movie.

1hr 3mins – I really hope the dog comes back again. Please. Or even a cat. Any semi-talented animal would do.

1hr 5mins 40secs – The dog just appeared again! It was a blink-and-you’ll miss it moment, as he (or she) ran off screen, but boy was it a good moment.

1hr 6mins – I should probably comment on the plot of this movie, but to be honest I’ve lost track of what’s going on. I’ve also lost control of my life. Maybe watching Hudson Hawk is a cry for help. If it’s not, it should be.

1hr 17mins – A bomb is about to go off. Bruce Willis is paralysed. How will this situation resolve itself? Answer: I DON’T CARE!

1hr 18mins – Are Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard supposed to be brother and sister? Not in real life; in this film.

1hr 19mins – I’ve just done a time check. There’s still 20 minutes to go. I’ve also just checked my pulse. I’m still alive. I’m not sure I’ve got 20 minutes left in me.

1hr 22mins – There’s singing again. This is what Hell is like. Bruce Willis singing show tunes.

1hr 26mins – Bruce Willis has just watched his best friend get bumped off in a horrific fashion. He seems a bit pissed, but not as pissed as you might expect. I swear to Zod, he had best not start singing again.

1hr 30mins – Richard E. Grant is prancing around like a loon; Sandra Bernhard is being… well, Sandra Bernhard; and… oh… oh shit. Sandra Bernhard has just been burnt alive in a gruesome way. I did not expect that!

1hr 31mins – There’s about 8 minutes left, so Bruce Willis is working overtime to wrap this shit up. Sorry, Brucie old chap, but you can’t polish a turd.

1hr 32mins 30secs – The dog’s back!

1hr 32mins 40secs – Bruce Willis just killed the dog. If I take one thing away from this movie, it’ll be the moment I saw Bruce Willis kill a dog. Bastard!

1hr 35mins – Bruce Willis’ best friend somehow survived. He was trapped in a car, that was hit with an explosive, before falling off a cliff. And he survived. Yet the dog is dead. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

**Clicks stop**

That was truly awful. 1hr 40 minutes and I really don’t know what any of it was about. I am now questioning my life choices. What led me to this moment? Perhaps you should be questioning your life choices and what led you here, to this post about Hudson Hawk.

It’s safe to say I will never watch that film again. And if you are reading this thinking, ‘Oh, it can’t be that bad – maybe I’ll give it a go’, please reconsider. Please.

Three down; 87 to go.